Ancient Mystics

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So I was wondering if someone could read my story, Ancient Mystics, and tell me how to improve it and what they'd like to see from it in the future. I don't really have anything else to say, except that it's a X-men evo fic. Please critique!
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[color=blue]Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.[/color]

[Astri]

A few things to critique before I actually tell you what I thought of your story. First, you really should use the little form thingie that you can cut and paste right from the Rules thread of this forum to introduce your fanfics. It's just kind of helpful, so that other people can have a clearer idea of what they're reading.

Secondly, you really need to use commas! There are several sentences where your thoughts change, but no comma appears to give the reader a pause. Read your story out loud to yourself, and wherever you pause in your speaking, put a comma. Sentences like "Find those girls they can't escape," seriously need a comma in the middle (and in this case, maybe an exclamation point): "Find those girls, they can't escape!"

Thirdly, the beginning of your fic wavers between present tense and past tense. If you use words saying that things "seemed" or "melted," you can't really say that at the same time they "fades" or "is." See how weird that sounds right there? Make sure everything's past tense--as in, ending with -ed or the equivalent thereof.

And so, now that I'm done being a grammar Nazi, about your story. Are you sure this is an X-Men fic? Because it seems to me like you've created your own entirely new world here. This goes far beyond the scope of X-Men. If I were you, unless you seriously HAVE to have it tying into X-Men, I'd just make it a story about your own world and the demihumans that occupy it, not have it be X-Men at all. It seems like a very interesting and creative concept. Unfortunately, it also seems completely out of place in the X-Men universe. So either let it stand on its own--which I'm certain it could do--or you'll have to kind of "dumb" the characters down a bit, since the idea of a half-chimera girl who can create forcefields and snuff out the candles of lives (wonderful imagery during that part, by the way) is kind of impossible within the already-established boundaries of X-Men. Make your own boundaries instead!

I hope that helped you somewhat...
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Actually, it does ^_^ About the grammer, I know it's horrible. My grammer always slides without english class

Thanks for the critique and advice.
_________________
[color=blue]Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.[/color]