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The Man of Time and the Forever...

 
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Ragade
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Joined: 17 May 2006
Posts: 23

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:52 am    Post subject: The Man of Time and the Forever... Reply with quote

An orignal story I had put on hold a while back that needs a lot of editing, and work... Since, I really can't post all thae chapter, I hope its okay to just give the link. Also, I don't think it has any rasicm, but since anyone could find anything racist, I just put that one for my own saftey...

http://www.fanart-central.net/story-34107.html

Synopsis: In a VERY distant future on a planet that has dubbed itself earth two, a boy part of a very bleak, empty society, Charles Rubman, plans your average end of the year party before high school. He plans for the usual in high school, new people, new friends, and new knowledge of octillions of years of conscious exsistance being programmed directly into his brain. However, after taking a gift he wasn't meant to recieve, he somehow survies the end of the universe that was about to happen. After seeing everything around him die without him, he realizes he's immortal, and must now live forever with two other immortals. His imortality binds him into a oath to protect the core of all exsistance and consiousness along with them through all time as it begins and ends over and over again. He must endure the endless pain and suffering of an imortal exsistance that death can never save him from, an existance that may save or doom all, but an exsistance that was never supposed to happen...


Last edited by Ragade on Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whokay. Firstly, better idea to edit and do what you can do first BEFORE asking for help on it. Secondly, when putting a story up here, it's usually nice to include some kind of little synopsis on it, to give people an idea of what they're reading. Kind of like the back cover of a novel.

Thirdly, you HAVE to go back and divide paragraphs with the ENTER key. I'm sorry, but nobody is going to read one humongously long paragraph the way yours is set up as. Fourthly, combining script format and first-person perspective? Bad idea. If you're going to write in first person (I, my, me, etc.) you should really do the whole thing as a narration. No "Raggedy Woman: IT IS MINE!" type stuff. More like, " 'IT IS MINE!' the raggedy woman screeched." the whole way through.

Please do that first, okay? I honestly tried to read your story, but the way it was set up made it nearly impossible. Do your own editing first, and then we'll try to help you.

One final little note. If you want grammatical editing and assistance, could you please use my thread on it? Nobody's used it yet, and it's getting lonely...

Thanks.
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Ragade
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Joined: 17 May 2006
Posts: 23

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the advie. I know I need to destroy the scrit part and make it more novel ish narration. It actual goes out and eventualy becomes mostly third person. . Also, I had spererated into paragraphs with the enter key, serveral times!, but everyime I upload the txt file to here, it makes each chapter one whole big paragraph, and it is getting very frustrating! Crying or Very sad I'll take you up on the grammar offer.
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. That's kind of odd. I just go like this in my stuff:

"Needless to say, this was not exactly a normal ability; in fact, it was distinctly supernatural, meaning that Yuki was well-suited to be the Chairman of the Association.
Koji Takamura, on the other hand, was an eleven-year old sixth-grader and the youngest son of the Takamura ninja clan, a world-famous family usually hired as bodyguards for the rich and famous."

...and it turns it into this on the site:

"Needless to say, this was not exactly a normal ability; in fact, it was distinctly supernatural, meaning that Yuki was well-suited to be the Chairman of the Association.

Koji Takamura, on the other hand, was an eleven-year old sixth-grader and the youngest son of the Takamura ninja clan, a world-famous family usually hired as bodyguards for the rich and famous."

It takes out my Space keys and just does the Enter key automatically. I'm not sure why it's turning it into one paragraph for you. What word program are you using?
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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Ragade
Newb


Joined: 17 May 2006
Posts: 23

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am using Textedit. Perhaps it will work better if I save it as a Word file, and not a text file. Ow, and thanks again, Astri, for at least trying to read my story that has been crammed into single paragraphs. What do you think of the idea behind the story though? I know the plot will feel, wierd. I mean, the three can be split into subatomic particles, and even strings, I believe, and painfully come back together. We skip about 11 billion years from chapter 2 to 3. I know they should have some more charcter deveopment, but once you've lived that long, I'd imagine little can really change about you, if you see so much of the same through out time...
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Weirdness is always a good thing, and I think the fact that you're dealing with immortality and quantum physics is an excellent idea. If you handle it right, it should be excellent--although I'm afraid I didn't get far enough to read what you're talking about dissolving into particles and strings. The only thing to be careful about is that all your physics makes sense. I'll check that too, once I can read it, but I might miss stuff--I know a lot about physics, but only a tiny percentage of all of it.

Side note: I don't know anything about Textedit, but if you have Microsoft Word or such, you might want to try saving it as that just to see if it works better, just like you said. Good luck with that ~.^
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