Sword of Ages

falkonns_flight · Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:13 pm Post subject: Sword of Ages

This isn't a fanfic, as I really don't do fanfic often. This is 100% original, and copyrighted, and I am trying to get it published. However, I would like to hear feedback from people, in order to better appeal to all audiences. Please read the first few chapters and let me know what you think, what you expect, etc.
http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-31750.html
_________________
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again...as well it should be. If you're not sure it's dead, put a bunch more holes in it, should fix the problem...

PhoenixAshes · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:08 am Post subject: Picky critiquer

Ok, I've read your opening chapter, and I'm going to be VERY picky and overly-critical, so if you don't like it, don't read it.

First of all, this first chapter is very good. It has potential to be a fantastic bit of literature.

Now for the problems I see...

1) PARAGRAPHS!! The lack of them might just be a formatting error, but if you didn't put them in, you need to. I could barley read the chapter...

2) (super-picky) The fourth sentence, starting with "At the rate..." hit me hard enough to make me wince the first time I read through it. The previous and later sentences begin with the subject followed by the verb. That fourth sentence breaks this pattern, and the effect is jarring enough to disrupt the scene that you are trying to create.

3) (super picky) The sixth sentence, "He had been gone too long..." is also slightly jarring, because it is another deviation from the pattern of sentence structure. It is a very short sentence surrounded by much longer ones. If you were emphasizing this point, it would make sense to keep it short, but as you do not seem to be doing so, you need to make it longer or combine it with another sentence.

4) (super picky) The verb "to get" in the sentence "The mare beneath him..." is also disruptive of the word flow. It's a very vague verb that contrasts highly with the more specific verbage in previous and later sentences...

I think you know what I'm after in making shure sentences and words fit together, so I'll move on to my main points.

5) The flowerly wording that you use already had begun to grate on my nerves by the end of the chapter. Save it for descriptions, scene openings and closings, and dramatic events, or else it will lose its effect. Simple actions call for simple language, and concise writing is much easier to read.

6) (You are going to kill me for this...) The whole flashback/dream thing should be removed. Yes, it is the main point and focus of the chapter, but its presence is detrimental. Here are my reasons...

I)The opening chapter of a stoy exists to capture the readers attention. Though important plotwise, the Fb/D is not particularly exciting, especially at this point when we don't really know the main character or the world where this is set.

II)The Fb/D functions as exposition, correct? It tells us that William the third is the guy on the horse, is important, has a magic sword, and has a prophecy made about him. Readers are hit with the plot sraight off the bat. There's no slowly unfolding story.

III)In writing, it's always better to show it than say it. Instead of telling readers that he is the wilder of the magic sword of awesomess, show him using it in a latter chapter, or have him or another character comment on it. Instead of telling us he he has been propesized about, have a character react to him about it. You get the picture. It's part of the "unfolding plot" thing.

IV) Just because this chapter is not the right place for the Fb/D doesn't mean that you have to cut it out entireley. You could hint at in this chapter, to lend an aura of mystery to the strange man on the horse (and keep your reader's attention). The scene is quite well written, and would work excellently later on in the story after the readers have come to know William as a person, and have learnt a little of his situation.

I am sorry if I have been too critical...and for the length of the critique...
I hope your book does get published someday!

falkonns_flight · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 1:02 pm Post subject:

It's actually not too critical at all. And I thank you for being so honest. I know this book needs a lot of work before I complete it, and that's what I look to everyone else to help me out with. The chapter I currently have up on the website is an older version and has since gone through several workshops and undergone pretty much all the changes you listed here, so I'm quite glad to see that you caught pretty much all of the mistakes. And as far as me being mad, I'm not, and I really appreciate true constructive criticism. There are a few points that I disagree with you on though, but only a few:
--The flashback remains because it's actually incredibly important to the storyline as a whole, but in the past year has undergone quite a few changes to make William's father more important, as well as the passing of the sword.

--As for the flowery language, that also remains, as every publishing house I've spoken with so far has quite liked it and found it what fantasy readers do like quite a bit. The language is consistent in 95% of the novel and will remain so until I decide it doesn't belong.

--And for the PARAGRAPHS, LOL, my computer refused to transfer that to the website. I never did figure out why. But the paragraphs are there in the original.

Thank you Very Happy

_________________
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again...as well it should be. If you're not sure it's dead, put a bunch more holes in it, should fix the problem...

ashbrook · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:33 pm Post subject:

i haven't read it yet.. but the title caught my eye... there's a Sword of Ages in my orginal story.... weird. i'm gonna have to read this now. O_O

brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html

ashbrook · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:42 pm Post subject:

as much as i could read before my eyes started straining.... awesome... the mysteriousness of it is excellent... i'll have to read the rest when you update it!! (i hd the same problem with paragraphs when i first uploaded my story.. if you reload it, it ought to work Very Happy

)

brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html

ashbrook · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:43 pm Post subject:

as much as i could read before my eyes started straining.... awesome... the mysteriousness of it is excellent... i'll have to read the rest when you update it!! (i hd the same problem with paragraphs when i first uploaded my story.. if you reload it, it ought to work Very Happy

)

brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html

falkonns_flight · Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 12:27 pm Post subject:

Thanx for reading it. Smile

I have an iMAC so I always have trouble transferring to a readable file and then uploading it to here.
_________________
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again...as well it should be. If you're not sure it's dead, put a bunch more holes in it, should fix the problem...