Finding a Heart of Snow

[Astri]

Hello again. I have finally 1) figured out how to put fanfics back on here (yay!) and 2) finished the story that I am posting here. Technically this isn't a fanfic--it's a short story I wrote. I'm very proud of it, and I'd like to maybe publish it someday, but first I'd like to see if anyone else thinks it's worth it.

- Title: Finding a Heart of Snow
- Rating: PG-13--for mild magical violence and some sexual content
- Type: Original short story
- Realistic fantasy, Romance
- A story about a snow spirit who is searching for the communal heart of the snow spirits, and needs a human's help to rescue it.

Any and all reviews and criticism would be greatly appreciated :bow: Thank you.

[url]http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html[/url]
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]

[theWriter]

Ian:

First off: What an original, smart idea. I've been reading through this, only getting to the first chapter because I got up late this morning, and I love the idea. It's sharp, original and entertaining. The dialouge bounces back and forth and it all just...fits.

HOWEVER:

[quote](1)A whorl of winter icicles swirled down through the air, obscured from the sight of passersby by the heavy black downpour of rain. The translucent icicles starred a path down the street, whirling briefly around a balding man with a black umbrella. Unaware that he had temporarily been the center of a cold, wild dance, the man hurried on, black umbrella taking the weight of the darkness and rain sluicing from the sky.

(2) The icicles trickled into an alleyway, spun around behind a dumpster, and focused in on themselves. The very air crystallized, blossoming into a shape so white and bright it glowed even through the gloomy shroud of rain.

(3) The pale woman let out a long, icy breath, so cold it melted into liquid in midair and joined the rain in falling. Teeth the same frosted translucence as ice cubes flashed in words like snowflakes.

(4)And so I have come.

(5)She reached one ivory hand out into the rain, disregarding the drops which ran into the sleeves of her trailing snowy robes. Eyes without color of their own stared up into the sky and reflected it, turning the color of slate.

(6) And so I must search.
[/quote]

You obviously have the "mystery" thing going great. However, paragraphs 2 and 3 begin rather repetetively with "the". Be careful when writing a beginning such as this that every paragraph begins differently. The description is beautiful, but it falls upon blind eyes when repetition becomes a major point. So, instead of "the" for 2 and 3, you can instead (and I learned this only a few months ago DX):

[i]Unobserved by the passing eye was an icicle, clinging sharply to a nearby dumpster, almost at an impossible angle and, once the realization occured, in impossible weather. An icicle. In a rain storm?

Didn't happen.

And yet it was. Here. Now. More icicles began to form, this time clawing their way up the side of the dumpster and skipping up the wall of an alley until finally, they froze to a halt at the top.

From behind the dumpster a slender hand, whiter than the purest snow, slowly drew itself onto the dumpster lid, and accompaning it rose a body.

She was pale. Icy looking and more pale than death. Slowly the woman's mouth opened and a whisper of a sentence came out, freezing the air around her.

"And so I have come.

Her delicate hand lifted itself from the trash compartment and reached out at the rain while curiously, weirdly translucent eyes looked on. Oblivious to the fact that the rain reaching her skin was freezing, becoming tiny droplets of ice, she turned and began walking.

"And so I must search."[/i]
-----

Ian, I'll continue to critique this fantastic story in the afternoon. Currently I must go to work.
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[theWriter]

Ahem:

[quote] Mar fumbled for his keys, bracing his grocery bags against the peeling door, and received a freezing tongue of water down the back of his neck from the dingy roof. He didnt even groan. It had been such a bad day that a little water almost seemed good.

He had woken up to find his Lilliputian apartment frigid and soaking, the window smashed in the night to allow direct access for both burglars and the rain-filled wind that had been squalling all day. His only things of valuehis stereo and his college textbookshad been stolen, and everything in the kitchen that wasnt nailed down had been embedded into either the wall, the floor, orin the case of a nearly full jar of blackberry jellyhis backpack. He hadnt noticed the latter until he had realized in the middle of trying to clear the splattered eggs from the wall that he was going to be late for his first class, and had swung his backpack up onto his shoulder. Thereby irreversibly staining his only wool sweater.
A traffic jam thicker than the congealed blackberry jelly had kept him away from college until his second class was halfway over. He had finally gotten there, about as cold and wet as the Arctic Ocean, to find he had missed half of the final notes for the test tomorrowand of course, with no books, he had no other way to study for it. And directly afterwards, Ashley had broken up with him.

Actually, that was probably the best of the bad things that had happened in this long, horrendous day. They had started going out a week ago through some accident of capricious thought, but soon realized that they were two very different people entirely unsuited for any kind of relationship together. By the third date, most couples were post-coital. They were over. It was slightly disappointing, but also something of a relief.

Relief quickly squashed when he fell down a flight of stairs, walked into an opening door, and missed a test in his last class thanks to a dentist appointment he had been unable to reschedule, which ended up consisting of two hours in the waiting room and a thirty-second examination which had discovered the first cavity of his life.

Following that uplifting piece of news, he had gone to the grocery store to restock after the burglary, waited in line for half an hour, and found he didnt have enough money to pay for everything he had brought to the counter. So hed taken back the milk, mixed vegetables, and jelly (he hadnt been entirely sure he wanted jelly anyways) and returned to the front to find his cashier gone. The other cashier, when presented with the situation, had popped her cinnamon gum and sent him to the back of her line. Forty minutes later, he had finally paid for his groceries and gone out to find his car window in pieces on the ground.

And all this time, it had been raining.[/quote]

My only advice here is try maybe put in Mar's name periodically, so the reader knows rather definitively that this poor smuck in question is Mar Roy.

[quote]Those hands had been holding his arms to the door. And now ice did instead.
[/quote]

For some reason, this runs a little bit awkward. Now that I read it and reread it again, it makes more sense, but maybe...

[i]Those hands had been holding his arms to the door...

But now ice did, instead. [/i]

Just so that, once again, that damn stupid reader can obviously get the sense that Mar is trying to click 'A' and 'B' together.

[quote] Now, listen to me and listen carefully, the man said, voice soft and dangerous as a deep drift of snow[/quote]

A beautiful simile, but it's missing the 'as' in the beginnning. 'voice soft and [b]as[/b]dangerous as a deep snow drift.' I had to blurb on deep drift on snow simply because it doesn't flow as smoothly.

[quote]What?! Mar choked out. I dont even know what youre talking about!! Who the hell is he?![/quote]

Since it appears that Mar is psudeo-quoting Shirai, "he" might need to be emphasiszed with Brit quotation marks and/or italics, to stress the value of the word.

[quote]Shirai shifted slightly, his albino-white muscleswere they really made out of ice? They looked real enoughrippling beneath the light fabric of his robe[/quote]

Only flaw here is the flow. "were they really made out of ice?" in the whatsitcalledthingsys "--" runs kinda bleh, so perhaps, "Shirai shifted slightly, his albino-white muscles--they couldn't have been ice, looking as real as they did--rippling beneath the light fabric of his robe." My version isn't the best, but I hope you understand what I mean.

...Oh, I forgot to say this earlier, but:

[quote]There is something wrong with this picture, Mar thought suddenly.
He was sitting at his dwarf-sized coffee table, bathed in the faint glow of the ceiling light and wrapped in every length of unblackberried cloth he owned, hands thawing gradually around a glass of steaming hot tea, looking across the little tabletop at a man who couldnt possibly be human, who was sitting cross-legged in front of the broken window in a sleeveless robe, not even shivering as wisps of cold gusted in around the bookshelf still standing between the window and the rest of the apartment.
[/quote]

Love it. ^u^

[quote] Mar. Shirai stood up, his robe flowing impossibly smoothly.[/quote]

Two words that end in "ly" together sometimes trip your tongue up. Possibly "with an impossible smoothness" would be better.

[quote]They had a plan.
It all depended on the deposit of luck magic.
[/quote]

This section right here gives me the sense that the second line is uttered reluctantly. As such, I'd recommend "...It all depended, however, on the deposit of 'luck' magic."

[quote] Shirai had said the luck spirit would come, if he did at all, when Mar was asleep[/quote]

Being that the inner thought is, once again, outside the strict 'beginning', it should probably go:

[i]Shirai had said the luck spirit would come--if he did at all--when Mar was asleep.[/i]

[quote]The woman in white leapt across the room at the young green man, but her quarry was too quick for her. The young green man was across the room faster than was humanly possible, his clothes ringing with a sound like mocking laughter. [/quote]

"Young green man" twice in two sentences is repetition. Maybe simply "man" or "the green one".

[quote] (1)Mar ran to his window as well just in time to see the woman climb up the side of the apartment building, her hands and feet freezing to the walls where they touched, streaking up around windows and balconies in pursuit of the green figure of the luck spirit.

(2)Mar whirled and ran out of his room. Unless the two of them could flywhich he wouldnt discount but didnt really want to think about dealing withthere was only one place they could end up.[/quote]

Like earlier with "the" two paragraphs beginning with the same word make it bleh. So just mix it up.

[quote]She pushed herself to move faster still, slamming her hands and feet against and off the wall of the huge building Mar lived in almost too fast for the eye to follow. She kept her eyes up, on the luck spirit, dodging the obstacles of balconies and the dangers of windows, and saw she was catching up.
[/quote]

Beautiful description, but avoid repetition. (Hey, that ryhmed!)

[quote]sheerest[/quote]

sp?

[quote] Mar spun across the ice like a hockey puck, completely winded, and fetched up against the railing that fenced in the roof from the sky, coughing.

The luck spirit snapped his fingers. Shirai lunged forward.

The railing cracked, warped, and came completely free of the building, the entire long black iron length pulling free like errant stitching, falling away into space.

Mar fell with it.[/quote]

In that brief second we can see foreshadowing, but emphasize it just a little more for the dumb readers. The luck spirit is smart, and even though physically he's giving the signal he knows how to "take him out" give a little of a warning, such as the spirit grinning or abruptly widening his eyes. Just a facial cue to accompany the physical movement.

[quote](1)The railing cracked, warped, and came completely free of the building, the entire long black iron length pulling free like errant stitching, falling away into space.

(2)Mar fell with it.

(3)Until Shirai dropped at the edge of the building and flung himself forward, seizing Mars hand, freezing their fingers together.[/quote]

1: Just sounds funny.

Mebbe: [i]The railing cracked, warped, and came completely free of the building, an entire long black iron pulling free from it's constraints like an errant stitch from a quilt. Quickly, faster than Mar could comprehend, it began to fallling away into empty space.

2: Nuttin' wrong.

3: This is the moment where the reader thinks "O NOES!", so you thus must drag the tension out. Add '...' to where Shirai's action comes into place.

[quote] Before Shirai could pull Mar back upbefore Mar could fully realize that Shirai had him[/quote]

The 'out' comment within the '--' thingies-which-for-the-life-of-me-I-can't-think-of-name, reads a little strangely.

[i]Before Shirai could pull Mar back up--and before Mar could fully realize that Shirai had him--[/i]

[quote]Shirais face contorted.
And then they were both falling.[/quote]

Again, drag out the tension. '...'

[quote]He could have died. God, he could have died. They both could have died[/quote]

I'd put italics on "died" at least once to give the word the shock and absolute amazement that in this section it deserves.

[quote] A squirrela squirrel!!darted out of nowhere and ran at the key.

There was no doubt whatsoever where the furry animal had come from. Mars bad luck was in full stride. The squirrel got to the key before Mar did, seized the shiny silver in its sharp little teeth

Shirais foot swung out of nowhere and slammed the squirrel against the door. The squirrel yelped and dropped the key, and Mar snatched it. His bad luck let out a nearly audible groan.[/quote]

I lol'd. Hard.

[quote]Mar wanted to throw something at it, but had neither the time nor the ammunition. He slammed the door open and got Shirai inside and down on the couch. He kicked the door shut, threw the keys down on the table, and ran for his freezer.[/quote]

Repetition of "he".

[quote]I dont, dammit, I dont want a girl, or a woman, or any kind of femaleI want you, just like this
[/quote]

Just add a period after "dammit" and make the next section its own sentence.

Whew. Finished the first chapter. Questions? Comments?[/i]
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[Astri]

Ah-ha, a taste of my own medicine! And thank God it's a hell of a lot better than cough syrup. Thanks so much, Megan, I really needed that kind of help ~.^

And I'm glad to know which parts made you laugh ^.^
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]

[theWriter]

I'm glad it was better than cough syrup (though personally there is that one cheery flavor that is wicked good...). On to chapter two I go!
-------------
[quote]His clothes wereumabsent[/quote]
Though this has been a rather interesting narrative--blending first and third person together very well, in this case I'd cut out the word 'um' and let those three periods do their job.

[quote]An intense battle was raging in Shirais motionless expression.[/quote]

I'm sorry--I can't help it, but I feel a pun coming on. Motionless, while it is indeed a word, would not have the same feel as, perhaps, frozen.

DX Punishment indeed...

[quote]Ashley shook her head, although her eyes still never left Shirai. No. Thats impossible. Mar, you cant possibly[/quote]

Being that Ashley is suffering a MAJOR reality-attack, I would probably use stronger words behind the shaking of the girl's head...Perhaps 'vehemently' and whatnot.

[quote] Mar, you have lost your mind! You and this man both! I dont know what youre doing here, but Im calling the police! Ashley went for the phone.
[/quote]

Earlier you have this big sect of dialouge, and in it we can tell there is verbal action. Here, you have Ashley moving towards ratting Mar and his man out...And yet something is missing. Being that Ashley interupts Mar, I'd put action in instantly after she cuts him off.

[i]"Mar, you have lost your mind!" Ashley's shoulders had risen like the back of a very frightened cat and a snarl was floating on her lips. "You and this man both! I--I don't know what you're doing here, but I'm calling the police!"[/i]

And so on and so forth...Something to that extent...

[quote] Ashley, dont do that until we explain every Mar began.[/quote]

Here, I would have Mar's action at the beginning, or something along the lines that he realizes, 'wut whoa' she's going to be very terrified in five seconds'...That way when Shirai freezes the phone, each earlier movement and action/dialouge flows into it. It's all about da flow...

[quote] I cannot let you do something as foolish as I believe that would have been until we have you understanding the entire situation, Shirai said, still perfectly calmly[/quote]

Again, those nasty wasty 'ly''s together make it a little bit choppy. I'm sure you can figure out a different way to phrase that.

[quote]Ashley was suffocating on her words, it was clear.[/quote]

Suffocating on her words, or what she's just seen? The reader is slightly confused.

[quote] Mar turned, almost dreamily, and looked at his ex-girlfriend. Ashleys face was beet-red, and she looked like she wanted to punch something into nonexistence. She also looked like she thought Mar would be a good candidate for the punching.

You tell me whats going on right this minute, Mar Roy, or I swear to you

Shirai already told you whats going on here, Ashley, Mar said. Were trying to catch a luck spirit. Hes coming this way right now, to try and put more magic into you. Mar paused, realizing something. Oopsyoud better pretend to be asleep. I dont think he tries it unless youre asleep.

Asleep? Asleep?! You think Im going to pretend to be asleep?! Ashley was turning redder than was healthy. You barge in here without my permission, without even calling, feed me some cock-and-bull story about snow and luck spirits and magic, and

If its cock-and-bull, then how did Shirai turn into a bird and go out that window? Mar asked reasonably. How did he freeze the phone?

I dont know what hes doing or what hes told you, but its obviously all a lie. A trick. Hes deceiving you, Mar! Taking advantage of you!

Now that, Mar took umbrage at. Shirai is not taking advantage of me, Ashley.

Oh no?! Ashley retorted. Look at what hes done to you already!

Done to me? What has he done to me? Mar folded his arms. What, his kissing me?

Ashley winced. The very idea offended her Christian sensibilities. Hes got you good as brainwashed, Mar! You obviously believe everything he says, and when he walks up and does stuff like that to you, you just stand there with this big stupid grin on your face, like[/quote]

This reminds me of a screenplay--you have very little action within dialouge to allow for the actor's to infer what they are/are not supposed to say/do...Unfortunetley, this is a short story, not a screenplay, and so I'm thinking that more or less you should put more physical things in between each segment, because, once again, we have the verbal cues, but what are these people doing physically? They won't be standing still when they're debating, that's for sure. And though you do have the occasional verbage here and there, I would suggest more.

...I'll double post tommarrow and continue my critiquing of your fabulous tale.
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[theWriter]

*gulp* A little bit past my "one day" paygrade, eh? DX Sorry, Ian.

[quote]I love him, Mar repeated softly. So take your ramrod-Christian beliefs and shove them where the sun dont shine. I could never have any feelings for you; for any woman. I love him.
Beautiful, sighed a voice from the ceiling.
Mar whirled. Ashley screamed.
The luck spirit was standing upside-down on the ceiling.[/quote]

Great scene right here. It reeks of class. However--standing upside down on the ceiling is a little bit much--you couldn't exactly STAND on a ceiling if it were not upside down, so simply saying that the spirit was standing on the ceiling would suffice.
[quote]Im not sure whether to congratulate you, thank you, or feel very sorry for you, the luck spirit said, standing perfectly nonchalantly on the ceiling.

Ashley seemed glued by shock. Shirai, she had been able to deal with. This luck spirit, though, was not even temporarily mistakable as human. With skin greener than any makeup could have achieved, eyes a glowing amber shade that no contacts could have produced, and hair that no dye could possibly have made look like the rainbow spray off a waterfall, the luck spirit looked like what he wasa luck spirit. And Ashley could notwould notdeal with that.

Mar, however, had no choice about dealing with this spirit even if he had wanted one.

What for? he demanded.

Well, congratulate you, of course, the luck spirit said, walking casually towards Mar (1)across the ceiling for all the world like an emerald spider, for managing to get that snow spirit into your bed. (2)Some spirits, theyre easy. Water spirits particularly. Theyll protest, but theyll never do anything more than thatwhere do you think mermaid legends came from? Luck spirits, like mefor somebody as good-looking as you, well lie with you in a heartbeat. Turn on you in the next, but Im sure you figured that out already.[/quote]

1: There is a repetition of "ceiling" here. We understand that Lucky is indeed still on the ceiling, so it's perfectly fine to back up a little bit on that word. Here, it might be needed, but keep in mind in the future that the word has been used a little bit too much. Oh! and "all the world like an emerald spider" sounds slightly odd...I would suggest making it "the luck spirit said, walking casually towards Mar and--from his position on the ceiling--looking for all the world an emerald spider.

And just remember to ease back on the words "luck spirit". There are other things he can be called.

2: Just great background stuff here. I love the mythology. It's brilliant.

[quote]Snow spirits, though,(1) the luck spirit chuckled quietly, are impossible. No emotions, no lust, no desire to lie with anyone, even each other. So your managing to bed one? Impressive. Extremely impressive. Even if you had my help with it.[/quote]

Here the reader can infer that the luck spirit is pausing for something tension. Add three periods after his first sentence to emphasize the spirit's tone.

[quote] Mar stiffened. Crap![/quote]

Make "crap" in italics since from reading it here it appears to be an inner thought of Mar.

[quote]So, the congratulations, and the thanks, the luck spirit said, still moving towards Mar, one leisurely step at a time. But at the same time, my deepest apologies.[/quote]

Here, the luck spirit is coming back on his original track, and so (in my oh so humble opinion ) should have three periods after it to emphasize that he's trying to get back on the original thought. Also: 'the' congradulations/thanks is a little funny. Simply make it "congratulations and thanks."

[quote]A slender green hand seized his thieving hand in a grip like a vice and crushed down hard, making the bones in Mars wrist creak alarmingly[/quote]

Unless Mar is older than I believe he is to be, his bones should not 'creak.' Creaking gives vision to old women and men with arthritis and illegal prescription medicine from Canada. 'Crack' gives us the idea of bones getting dangerously close to the snapping point...Or some other sharp word like that would do beautifully.

[quote]At first Mar had made excuses. The process of safely dismembering the Snowheart was just taking a while, that was all. Then he had become irritatedwhere the hell was he? Then denialhe couldnt have forgotten me. He couldnt have forgotten me.
Goddammit, he forgot me![/quote]

Good internal conflict here. However, since we do get that periodical inner monologing, make the inner thoughts, such as "where the hell was he?" in italics. Also: the last line of :Goddammit, he forgot me!" abruptly changes tenses from past to present. If you wish to keep all the thoughts in the present such as this, make the earlier ones in present tense instead of past. (That was confusing to read. :O Does it make sense, though?)

WEEELLL...Ian, this was a very fun read. You absolutely are an artist when it comes to the right moments for comedy, for depression, for suspense...You work beautifully with these, and all the aspects of a good story are evident here. My only advice to you is to watch repetition and add more action into the dialogue.

Otherwise?

C'est magnifique et fantastique!
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