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original story, by me... need serious help!!

 
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ashbrook
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Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: my imagination

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 10:15 pm    Post subject: original story, by me... need serious help!! Reply with quote

well... this is the first chapter to a story that's been developing itself for the past year... any suggestions for sentence structure, conflict, resolution, plot... etc... would be extremely appreciated...

thanks so much...

oh and it's fantasy... trust me Wink

brooke

link: [url]http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-39373.html[/url]
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I don't see that you need serious help. Your spelling is marvelous, your style is wonderful, and your structure is sound, and trust me, that puts you head and shoulders above a lot of other people.

The one complaint I do have is that some of the more suspenseful moments seem rushed. There is no time to build suspense before the moment is over and done with. Lord knows I'm not saying it needs to be [i]longer[/i]--it's definitely a goodly length already ~.^ Just, if you want moments like deaths or discoveries to build suspense, you need some more time with them.

That only applies once he gets back in Eratonia, by the way. The part in our world seems pretty much perfect.

Now as for what you should do with it? That I don't know. I still know nothing about this world that he's in...it's a little difficult to say what I think should happen in it, you know? I suppose that might be the next step--in the next part, explain more of the world. For you, yourself, try and figure out what you want to happen. Is the Empire going to be revived? Is a new government going to form? Is the main character going to become anything, like a king or what have you? Figure that out, and the rest of the story should flow to its ocean.

Not without its fair share of detours and dams along the way, of course...
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ashbrook
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Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: my imagination

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you... thank you!!! i've been working on the second chapter for a while... i probably post it soon.. it goes a bit deeper into what the world is like and stuff... and i'm so happy to hear that i have a great style!!! that just makes me uber happy!!! i was afraid it wasn't too good... thank you... thank you!!! i'll post here once i get the second chapter up!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! i can't thank you enough!

Very Happy brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sure, any time ^.^
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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ashbrook
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Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: my imagination

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

here's the link to the second chapter!! woot! Very Happy

http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-42661.html

enjoy!

brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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ashbrook
Rookie


Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: my imagination

PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i decided to write a prolouge to the story!!

you can find it here: http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-43672.html

thanks guys!!

oh, and if anyone needs any help w/ editing their stories, i would be glad to help and offer my advice!! (well duh, that's what this section of the forum is about)

brooke
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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Bulletproofskunk
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: under your nose

PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice! the story is very good Very Happy
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Bulletproofskunk
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: under your nose

PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice! the story is very good Very Happy
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boondocksaint17
Has No Life


Joined: 28 Aug 2006
Posts: 576
Location: Dennison, Ohio Represent yo

PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 4:51 am    Post subject: not Reply with quote

not too bad not bad at all. keep up the good work homie Very Happy
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ashbrook
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Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 36
Location: my imagination

PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks much! even if the story is way under construction... sorry... -___-

brooke Very Happy
_________________
Art of romance.
Meetings long,
partings few, we had it,
calloused hands upon
distinct curves of silk,
strawberry kissed whispers
among nature''s rustles,
warm desire of the season.

- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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