Critique this to death.

[Nilitac_Tesgrah]

- Title: Alone I Break
- URL: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-41767.html
- Series: Original charcters in Resi Evil
- Pairing? RickXJay
- Summary: When Jay's dad finds out he's gay, he gets beaten badly and kicked out of his own house. What happens that night.
- Advisories: Shonen-ai, fluffiness, mild swearing though it might get worse later on.
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Best Quote Ever: "B&."- Said by multiple people.

Everytime a n00b does something stupid - spams, harasses, refuses to read the rules - I hit my head on the desk. Please dun mack my poor noggin suffer drain bamage.

[SilverKitsune]

Leon is much better.
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[img]http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a131/I_Lov_Asian_Men/phoenixsig.jpg[/img]


[b]xAmiDarkfieldx wrote:
"Your a bird, I'm a cat of the jungle. Birds can't get pregnant last I checked. They lay eggs."[/b]

[Nilitac_Tesgrah]

... Kitsune, it's original characters in a Resi Evil world.
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Best Quote Ever: "B&."- Said by multiple people.

Everytime a n00b does something stupid - spams, harasses, refuses to read the rules - I hit my head on the desk. Please dun mack my poor noggin suffer drain bamage.

[Astri]

Eeep...have I neglected this section or what? >.< BUT I AM BACK! Temporarily! And I promise to actually edit!

[b]"The bedsheets on the doublesize bed were tangled around two slim forms, one a little more toughly built than the other but still roughly the same build. The one that was built stronger had mildly tanned skin that seemed to shimmer silver in the light from the moon, and ebony strands of hair fell across a sleeping face."[/b]

This reads a little clunky...

Firstly, the word "build" is used too frequently. Perhaps instead of, "roughly the same build," you could say something like, "both still uncannily similar, despite their lack of blood relation." "The one that was built stronger"...er...maybe "The one on the left--the one with a slightly more powerful physique--had mildly tanned skin...", etc.

I'm not fond of the, "a little more toughly built," either. Maybe one is "of slightly stronger build" than the other? "Tough" evokes the word "rough," which is not the image the rest of your words build (ack! I used that by accident, I swear >.<)

Finally, use a semi-colon after "moon," and change the next little part so that it sounds like a stand-alone sentence: i.e, "...shimmer silver in the light from the moon; strands of his ebony hair fell across his sleeping face."

[b]"He was having a nightmare, one he had a good number of times before tonight and yet seemed to be worse than ever."[/b]

One he HAD had a good number of times before tonight. Missing one "had" there.

That's it!

I LIKED this, Nilly! It was so sweet--the perfect personification of bittersweet--right up until the end, where it just gave this tiny, hysterical little zinger of a last line. I don't know this Zilia very well, obviously, but she is now my hero ^.^ That was completely unexpected, and a really good way to end ~.^

Congratulations! Simply fantastique <3
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