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Rancor125 Very bored
Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 249 Location: In hostile territories
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Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: When the Sky Became Ill |
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It doesn't make that much sense, but it's supposed to go along with a picture I drew that I'm going to post later.
http://www.fanart-central.net/pic-660516.html
When the sky became ill,
you didn't know where to turn.
Everywhere you went,
The colors quickly burned.
See the eye,
in the sky,
if you look at it just right,
it sheds tears of rain
And the statue up there,
covered in bloodweed
showed it's eternal pain.
When the sky became ill,
the sunset stood still.
But you would have only saw it
when the sky became ill.
See that demon,
it's a sign
it welcomes you
But if I were you
I would walk away and say bye
For that demon that you saw,
in front of the valley hills,
in loneliness it yelled out,
"when the sky became ill". _________________ [size=10] www.redwall.org www.raiders.com[/size]
[img]http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.outabounds.com/images/nfl_raiders2.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.outabounds.com/NFL-Golf/nfl-golf-raiders.htm&h=125&w=450&sz=7&hl=en&start=69&tbnid=YPhilyF8T4ttmM:&tbnh=35&tbnw=127&prev=/images%3Fq%3Draiders%2Blogo%26start%3D54%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D18%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN[\img]
Last edited by Rancor125 on Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Trinity_Fire Forum Stalker
Joined: 31 Dec 1969 Posts: 1042
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: |
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Hey, I think it's pretty neat. Your verse is a little confusing, though, and I can't quite pick it up, though there seems to be a rhyme scheme in there somewhere.
The one section,
"When the sky became ill,
the sunset stood still.
But you would have only saw it
when the sky became ill"
I felt the last line was pretty redundant; perhaps something else would work better?
It could flow a tiny bit smoother, but otherwise, it's a really nice poem. Interesting. : ) _________________ [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/user-Trinity_Fire.php][img]http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e326/MomentaryEternity/sig3.jpg[/img][/url][url=http://www.fanart-central.net/user_stories-Trinity_Fire.php][img]http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e326/MomentaryEternity/sig2.jpg[/img][/url] |
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Rancor125 Very bored
Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 249 Location: In hostile territories
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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thanx
I'm a crappy poet, so there are propably a lot of kinks and errors in it. I'm not even really into it, so I don't know why I wrote it. I guess I was bored. _________________ [size=10] www.redwall.org www.raiders.com[/size]
[img]http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.outabounds.com/images/nfl_raiders2.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.outabounds.com/NFL-Golf/nfl-golf-raiders.htm&h=125&w=450&sz=7&hl=en&start=69&tbnid=YPhilyF8T4ttmM:&tbnh=35&tbnw=127&prev=/images%3Fq%3Draiders%2Blogo%26start%3D54%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D18%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN[\img] |
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Morpher Forum Scalleywag
Joined: 07 Dec 2007 Posts: 941 Location: Land of the dragons
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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very intrestin poem could use a lil improveing but other then that nice work^^ _________________ THIS SIGNATURE IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE. |
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