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When the Sky Became Ill

 
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Rancor125
Very bored


Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 249
Location: In hostile territories

PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:15 pm    Post subject: When the Sky Became Ill Reply with quote

It doesn't make that much sense, but it's supposed to go along with a picture I drew that I'm going to post later.

http://www.fanart-central.net/pic-660516.html

When the sky became ill,
you didn't know where to turn.
Everywhere you went,
The colors quickly burned.

See the eye,
in the sky,
if you look at it just right,
it sheds tears of rain
And the statue up there,
covered in bloodweed
showed it's eternal pain.

When the sky became ill,
the sunset stood still.
But you would have only saw it
when the sky became ill.

See that demon,
it's a sign
it welcomes you
But if I were you
I would walk away and say bye

For that demon that you saw,
in front of the valley hills,
in loneliness it yelled out,
"when the sky became ill".
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Last edited by Rancor125 on Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Trinity_Fire
Forum Stalker


Joined: 31 Dec 1969
Posts: 1042

PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I think it's pretty neat. Your verse is a little confusing, though, and I can't quite pick it up, though there seems to be a rhyme scheme in there somewhere.
The one section,
"When the sky became ill,
the sunset stood still.
But you would have only saw it
when the sky became ill"
I felt the last line was pretty redundant; perhaps something else would work better?

It could flow a tiny bit smoother, but otherwise, it's a really nice poem. Interesting. : )
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Rancor125
Very bored


Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 249
Location: In hostile territories

PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanx Smile

I'm a crappy poet, so there are propably a lot of kinks and errors in it. I'm not even really into it, so I don't know why I wrote it. I guess I was bored.
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Morpher
Forum Scalleywag


Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 941
Location: Land of the dragons

PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very intrestin poem could use a lil improveing but other then that nice work^^
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