Need A Pre-reader Proof-reader.

TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Hey there. I am in need of a trustworthy pre-reader/proof-reader for my first fanfic. I am currently in the process of typing up the second half of my story synopsis and I am almost done with the first draft of Chapter 1. It is a Slayers Fanfic so if you like Slayers it would probably be easier to bear. Just reply here or email me. Thanks Laughing

plungergirl · Still very bored Joined: 31 Dec 1969 Posts: 294

Yeah, I could proof-read it for you, if you like... I don't know anything about Slayers, unfortunately, but I can help you with the technical things and stuff, if you need...

Stratadrake · Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2004 6:07 pm Post subject:

I'm ruthless when it comes to proofreading, so I guess I can help. Provided that I can fit it into my schedule at some point....
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silver_dreams · Elder Than Dirt Joined: 05 Feb 2004 Posts: 5102

i'm brutally honest when asked my opinion on something also, i'll read your fic. have nothing better to do anways

TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Neat, I think I may as well send it to all three of you guys. Keep in mind that this is a first draft which is why the "tenses" keep switching between past and present...So I will email you what I have for chapter 1 so far. Thanks! Very Happy

plungergirl · Still very bored Joined: 31 Dec 1969 Posts: 294

Alright... I got your email... hmm... I just printed it off, and I will read it today... mind, I may be pretty picky about spelling and grammar, and things, but that's just the way that I am... I'll go over it a couple times, do some corrections that I think need correcting, and then I'll email it back to you... Hopefully if you look back on them both, you will be able to see the differences... mind, this is just my opinion... *grin*

TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

neato! My spelling will be subpar though, due to the fact that Wordperfect is not working...I've been typing this story in notepad...pity me...

Stratadrake · Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2004 11:49 am Post subject:

Ditch Notepad, use Wordpad. It handles plain-text just as well, and it also does RTF (rich-text format) files, which allows formatting like color/fonts. I use Wordpad all the time anymore ^_^
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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Thanks, I'll do that. BTW, have you got my fic yet?

Stratadrake · Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 1:00 am Post subject:

I haven't . . . was it via e-mail? I haven't spotted any e-mails in my Junk Mail folder that look like non-spam....

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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Yes it was by email. Just look for anything that says fanfic in it or something.

Stratadrake · Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2004 4:43 pm Post subject:

My Hotmail account's currently set on exclusive (aka whitelist/spam) filtering. I peruse my Junk Mail folder on a regular basis but in the past week all I've seen in my Junk Mail folder is spam.

So either the mail didn't get through or it was deleted. I do have a few domains on my block list, and if the subject header wasn't immediately distinctive as a serious, non-spam e-mail, then I wouldn't have noticed it. What's your e-mail addy? Also try sending it again.
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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

My email is in my member profile. so just use that. Email me with the topic "fanfic request" and I'll get back to you ASAP.

Stratadrake · Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2004 3:29 pm Post subject:

Well, I used the board's built-in "E-mail" button so the e-mail subject will more likely be to the tune of "Fanart Central Forums" or "Invision Power Board"....

According to your FAC main profile, you have an AOL address . . . not part of my block list, so that shouldn't pose a problem.
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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Well, I got your email and I sent you the fic via "reply". If you don't have, respond please, or ask PlungerGirl for it.

Stratadrake · Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2004 11:41 am Post subject:

Sorry. I spotted it easily enough when it arrived yesterday . . . just have been busy with other things in the meantime....
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Stratadrake · Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2004 2:01 pm Post subject:

Okay, done. Here's a summary of what I noticed:

Spelling category:
- I before e, except after c, or when sounding like "ay". I saw several words spelled with an "ei" where it should be "ie".

Grammar category:
- When a compound word is used as an adjective, you should put a hyphen between the words. I.e., "Fire-red hair", not "fire red hair".
- Some words, like "battle ground" and "bow string" are actually one word, not two.
- When you use a dash (like when interrupting a sentence) a dash is actually [i]two[/i] hyphens -- not just one.
- When you need to "nest" quotes, the inner layer needs to be apostrophes (or "single-quotes") to distinguish it from the outer layer. For example:
[quote]"Now, let's see what this "Monstrocity" can do, Lina!"[/quote]
...should actually be:
[quote]"Now, let's see what this 'Monstrosity' can do, Lina!"[/quote]

Presentation:
- I like the first-person narration you used for the most part, but I thought it was odd that you used first-person for [b]both[/b] Lina and Mr.Zel . I can't really advise anything for this, but usually, most first-person stories are told from the viewpoint of one character and only that character.
- Mr.Zel's "loss of humanity". Considering that he inhabits the body of a monster, he's slowly losing his human mind, and his instincts and abilities taking over. Don't underportray this aspect of him. Slowly but surely he's losing it.
- The "Law of Convenience". A few things, like Lina's magical abilities and weapons, you introduced just in the nick of time (so to speak). Don't do this too often, otherwise it might start to feel like you're just pulling things out of a hat to get to the next scene. It's usually better to know various aspects about a character before they are actually brought into play.

General:
- Me. Yup, that's right, ME. You used a lot of Slayers jargon and terminology, which totally left me in the dark. Like this one:
[quote]Her incantation complete, she only spoke the word of power to send the gourmet killers a death on the rocks via multiple "freeze arrow". [/quote]
What exactly does a "freeze arrow" spell look like and do?

I've attached a ruthless proofread copy of it to this post. It's an RTF file, so you can view it in almost every word processor on the market. BE WARNED, I cannot stress enough just how thorough I was, it will sound pretty harsh if you read through it. In fact I'm usually not this thorough when reading through stories.

The story doesn't sound bad. Most of my gripes are simply that I'm not versed at all in Slayers terminology (or much anime at all), so I did get lost a few times.

I'm not sure if I can keep up with further chapters considering that this is a Slayers story and I'm not into that sorta thing. It was an interesting read, and if you'd like me to help out with subsequent chapters I suppose I can give them a shot too. If not, that's okay, I don't know anything about Slayers and I can be quite critical at times.
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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Thanks Strata! I knew I needed to add alot of descriptions. And, as you could probably tell, WordPerfect has got to be the worst word processing program ever created. Whenever I run grammar check, it tries to make the fic read like a hillbilly wrote it or something.

I will make the necessary changes, but I am going to keep Zel's first person viewpoint for these reasons. While Lina and Zel are in the same scene together, it will be from Lina's perspective. While Lina is away (which will happen for a LONG stretch of the story later on) it will be in Zel's perspective.

I have thought about writting the story in 3rd person omnipotent, but, i figured it would be best to focus on those two characters because I find them the most interesting and the will have the most impact in the story. But that is not to say that they will be the only characters with problems in the story. Just look at Naga, you think she is messed up now? Wait until the second chapter. And if you feel that Gourry needs more to do and be more fleshed out, I'm working on it! Gourry is a very difficult character for me to write because there are so many different sides to him. Surprised

And last but not least. If you want to learn more about slayer terms, check out this site. slayers info site

Stratadrake · Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2004 1:34 pm Post subject:

The terms' actually omniscient (all-knowing), not omnipotent. ;)

I'm the type of writer who generally writes from third-person. I use a sort of hybrid between third-person omniscient and a strict third-person limited (or "over-the-shoulder"). That is, for the most part I portray things from one character's perspectives, theirs is the only thought processes that are revealed in the narration. But at the same time I'm free to move to a different perspective, a different scene with different characters. In other words, I consider the perspective of a story analogous to a movie camera -- usually focused on the main actors, but occasioally zooms out for a bigger picture, or switches to a different scene.

Another stumbling block I ran into (a few times, actually), is that in your dialogue sequences, I kept forgetting who was saying what. Something like this:

[quote]"Gourry, this is Naga the White Serpent, Naga for short, I traveled with her for a couple of years and she ran off in fright just before I met you."

"...Fright!?"

"Shut-up, I'm introducing you, anyways, as you can see, she dresses like a slut, is a sloppy spell caster, a drunk and her only decent use is as a meat shield."

"Sloppy Spellcaster!? SLOPPY SPELLCASTER!!? I'll have you know, Mr. Gourry, that I am Lina's most powerful and beautiful rival!"

[b]*[/b] "Rival!? Are you still going on about that!? Who ran away all scared just because I mastered a spell that harnesses the power of the Lord of Nightmares!?"

"I'll admit that I ran away, but I was not frightened of your Giggle Slave! I just ran off because I needed to get away from your spell greedy eyes to create a spell so powerful that even you would admit defeat!"

"Oh, really? And that's GIGA Slave!"[/quote]

The first few lines are two-way dialogue between Naga and Lina, and there it's okay to simply bounce the dialogue back and forth without identifying who is talking. But when Gourry jumps in (at the asterisk) you need to identify that it's Gourry talking and that it's now 3-way dialogue, otherwise we'll assume that it's still two-way dialogue and Lina's responding.
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TomtheMighty · Member Joined: 15 Jun 2004 Posts: 107

Yeah. I am going to add things like this so you can tell who is talking when we have a multiple person discussion.

Gourry twiddled his thumbs, "But if the universe IS infinite then how can it expand?"

I furrowed my brow in concentration, "Well, if you think of it like that. . ."

Zelgadis quiped, "I dunno either, mayber we should assk that wheelchair guy. . ."

Naga emerged from underneath the table we were sitting at, "Oooohohohoho! The reason the universe expands is that Lina's breast are small!"

Stupid stuff like this. I'll just add descriptions of what the characters are doing before their dialogue. That'll tell you who is talking and little tidbits of their mindsets.

BTW, if you are willing, I can send you chapter two.