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Evilevergreen Member
Joined: 15 Nov 2005 Posts: 59 Location: Dancing with the Devil by the pale moon light
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: American Dragon: Jake Long -- No Good Deed |
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[b]Title:[/b] No Good Deed
[b]Category:[/b] American Dragon: Jake Long
[b]Summary:[/b] Right & Wrong. We all like to think we know the difference, but when that line is blurred and your world isn't the same as it was yesterday, what beliefs would you forfeit, to protect all you thought you could never have? [Brad & Trixie]
[b]Rating: [/b]T/M
[b]Link:[/b] [url]http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-77439.html[/url] _________________ A Codename: Kids Next Door Fanfiction:
[url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-33089.html][img]http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c144/Evilevergreen/Not%20My%20Work/AHP.png[/img][/url]
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SunaNoFara Very bored
Joined: 25 Sep 2007 Posts: 235 Location: over there -->
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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It's not bad, if that's what you're thinking. Just because nobody has commented doesn't mean it's not good. Don't be discouraged! Seriously, it's actually one of the most well-written fics I've read here on FAC!
To tell you the truth, I don't read much fanfiction here because it's mostly really bad. I don't know why you're story caught my attention, but somehow it did. I'm glad I tried it because I wasn't disappointed. Usually I'm tearing my hair out when I read something here.
Still, there's always room for improvement.
It was interesting. With only a few little choppy and less descriptive sentences here and there, I was pleased. I have to say you need to work a little bit on overusing prounouns and underusing them in some places. For example in the two beginning paragraphs you used Trixie to begin them both. Try giving a small description of her in place of "she", her actual name, etc. Like: "The brown-haired girl" or something along those lines. It would give the reader a little more description of what Trixie looks like if they've never seen Jake Long before. The same goes with all the other characters. I haven't seen the show for a while so I don't remember what all of them look like--especially the minor characters. So try to describe them a little better and you'll be right on.
"Show don't tell" always remember that. A few times it was a little vague as to what you wanted the reader to see. So keep up the good work with trying you're best! There's always more you can describe, however. With that said, though, don't be overdescriptive and start concentrating on something other than what the story is about.
One thing: remember the difference between "then" and "than". I saw a few places where you used "than" where "then" should have been. ex: "Trixie than opened her eyes..." "Then" describes what happens next (Then, out of the blue, a wereworlf made a mad leap at him through the bushes). "Than" is a comparison word (ex. a pencil is better than a pen). Remember proofread your work multiple times and to use spellcheck before posting it. Reading it aloud helps. If you come across something that doesn't sound right when you say it, you know it needs to be changed.
Seriously, keep going with this. I'd like to see more of this story, so PM me if you get any more chapters up, please. ^^ _________________ [img]http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n161/Mew-Zakuro/heroedward2.png[/img]
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rlkitten Forum Stalker
Joined: 11 Aug 2006 Posts: 1046 Location: Atlantis
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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I have a smartt friend. =B hur hurr _________________ "Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people -and kill them."
[img]http://i806.photobucket.com/albums/yy341/KuroiFaith/Zeldabanner.jpg[/img] |
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