looking for honest helpful criticizm on my story

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okay so i wrote this story based on an idea i had for an original comic book and im looking for criticizm and ideas on how to make it better, like is it any good conceptaul, do i need to go darker, do my characters ring true or are they too 2d and how bad exactly is my grammar the name of my story is "ETHER" chapter #1 is called "community" keep in mind that it is not written in script form like most comic book pitches but as loose instructions for the artist and also is not be read like a book instaed trie to immagine how it will play out in panels[url]http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-87834.html[/url]