Killzone fanfic in need of some help

[Rakshiv]

'Blessed Be the Soldier'
http://www.fanart-central.net/chapter-88769.html
Killzone
I don't get nearly enough critiques, here or anywhere for that matter. With that in mind I'd like an in depth critique of the above fanfiction. It does have some violence and gory scenes, being a Killzone fic, so be advised when clicking the link. It explores my views on war from the point of view of a Helghast. I won't be rewriting it but I'll definitely use suggestions for my other novel in the works.

Thank you in advance, to anyone who takes the time to both read and share their thoughts.

Peace!
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"And then he heard it, quiet as it was. Simple against the harsh backdrop of a crazed mind: the tiny, soundless clicking of infinitesimal gears..."