FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups  ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in
POV choice

Post new topic   Reply to topic    www.fanart-central.net Forum Index -> Writing Help
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Forum Stalker

Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 1139
Location: Under your shoe (Can you please get off of me?)

PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 1:26 pm    Post subject: POV choice Reply with quote

I decided to rewrite my story in 1st person because it tends to be easier for me, but I'm not sure which is better. Can you help?

Chapter 1: Hayato

“Well, let’s collect the hide.” An elven druid with brown waves rolling down her back dressed in a tattered green robe flowing just above her ankles and leather boots, draped in a leaf cloak held on with a medal emblem with a white cross on it, said in her gentle voice.

“These scales will make great armor,” a four foot Halfling with dark skin and black hair up in a ponytail dressed in wizards’robes added in a high voice. She had many daggers including: One on each side of her boots, two on her belt, two behind her back sticking up by her shoulders, and two put into her ponytail.

“And these fangs will make great blades.” A beautiful elven maiden stepped out of the shadows with her shining silver hair draping to her ankles. Her breastplate covered half of her torso while her stomach was covered in a loose, but strong chainmail. Her bottom was covered with plate armor with chainmail on her thighs. She wore plate boots that covered her knee.

“Let’s just go.”A male elf with short messy brown hair wearing full plate armor commented in a tough, yet mischievous voice.

“Okay, Haru,” the elf with silver hair said to the male elf. “Hold your horses.”

“I know, Yasumi, Haru replied, I’m just ready to get back. This is my first mission since my coming of age.”

"Tina, do we have everything?" The druid asked.

“I think so, but I’m not sure.” The Halfling named Tina replied.

“Let’s get going. Tina, scout ahead. Yori give her some help.” The druid took a wooden whistle to her lips, whispering into it. Two grey and white wolves ran up beside her. She whispered in the wolvesears. They darted off after Tina. Tina and the wolves returned and Tina talked to Yasumi as Yori, the brunette, asked if the wolves what they saw.

“Tina, you're not mistaken. There is someone out there. Are we going to help him Yasumi?” Yori asked.

“Of course. We cant just leave someone alone while they're being chased.” Yasumi began, "Especially not by trolls."I had no clue it was night yet, but it has to be. Trolls cant be out in the day. The group went outside to see that it was truly night.

“Man that must have took longer than I thought.” Haru commented. “It was bright as day when we went in there.”

“It takes awhile to slay a colossal red. Think about it. We’re the size of one of its talons.” Yasumi stated.

“Let’s get going. We dont know how long he'll last with those trolls.” The team darted off after the wolves.
They were in a big field. Grass danced on the wind. It was a beautiful and serene sight. The peace was suddenly pierced by a scream. An elven male dressed in a rangers outfit burst out of a nearby forest, his white hair trailing behind him. He was followed by a horde of trolls.

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” the elf exclaimed. “Come on I must hit.” He rapidly shot arrows at the trolls. He reloaded like lighting, but he soon ran out of arrows.

“Crap!” He ran as fast as he could when the party ran in front of him.

Tina pulled a bow from her quiver of arrows as Yasumi’s sword slowly transformed from a katana with a rose etched into the white blade and a black hilt into a grey longbow. Yori followed suit changing her stained oak staff to a bow with the green crystal forming into her leather glove and Haru transformed his massive axe into a black longbow.

“Ready?” Yasumi asked as she created a grey energy arrow out of thin air. Yori made a white energy arrow, and Haru, one made of black energy. Tina readied an arrow to her bow.

“Fire.” Yasumi commanded. The companions shot and took out four of the many trolls.

“It'll take forever at this rate,” Tina remarked.

“Okay, now new plan,” Yasumi replied. “Tina, cause a distraction. Yori, Haru, combine for lunar eclipse. I'll do my own eclipse attack too. Ready? GO!”

Tina ran quickly around the trolls occupying their small minds like a moth attracts the attention of a cat. Taking this opportunity Yori, Haru, and Yasumi returned their weapons to their original state and raised them. Yori crossed her staff over Harus axe and the three swung their arms down.
They yelled in unison, ELIPSE ATTACK! LUNAR ECLIPSE! A blinding light filled the night, and as it seceded, the trolls were revealed and had turned to stone.

“Let’s go!” Yasumi grabbed the elf’s arm and dragged him away.

”Wait! Who the hell are you!?” The elf exclaimed.

Yasumi stopped dead in her tracks. “Heh...heh...heh, did we forget to introduce ourselves? I'm Yasumi.” She looked at him and suddenly realized he was no ordinary elf. He appeared to be half vampire. “Y-you're a vampire?” Yasumi continued.

Yori’s attention spiked at the name of this shamed race. She glared at the half-elf. "I'm Yori," she started coldly, "You're welcome now you may take your leave."

”YORI! Whats wrong with you! You never act like this especially not in the face of a stranger. I'm sorry for my sister's behavior, so what's your name?” Yasumi asked.

"Bu-but Yasumi.” Yori argued.

“Yori, be nice. This isn't like you.” Yasumi looked at her twin sincerely.

The elf hesitated a minute then calmly replied. Hayato, my name is Hayato.

"Hayato eh, Nice to meet you."Haru burst between his two sisters up toward Hayato. Well Im Haru. Pleased to meet you.He smiled as if he were a little kid, a smile that looked weird on such a big man.

Tina stepped forward excitedly. "I'm Tina. I've never met anybody who was only half vampire. I didn't even know that was possible.” Tina examined him. ”He’s okay.”She said happily.

Would you like to come back with us to the village? Yasumi asked.

Hayato didn't know what to say. Well, I guess since I dont have anywhere else to go. I've been a wandering ranger since I was kicked out of my village by my own clan.

“Then follow me.”

After they stared off Yori walked up to Yasumi and whispered in her ear. “Are you sure we should trust this guy?”

"Yori!" Yasumi looked surprised. "It's not him. I remember your description vividly. For one thing, that man was full vampire. This guy is only half. Stop living your life in the past. It won’t bring him back.”

Hayato, slightly hearing the end, walked up and asked, "What won't bring who back?"

"Nothing."Yori snapped and turned away. It was relatively quiet for the rest of the journey back to the village.

They arrived at a stone gate about 10 feet tall guarded by two men with an insignia of a cross with a dragon wrapped around it. ”We’re here.” Yasumi stated. Yasumi walked toward the gate but stopped about a foot away. She reached out her hand to an invisible wall and spoke words Hayato didn't understand. There was a flash of light in the shape of an arch out of nowhere and Yasumi motioned for the others to come.

She walked up to the guards. ”We have returned from our mission. We seek entry to the village to report.”

A man in black armor looked up from under his helmet. ”State your name and present some sort of identity.

"Yasumi, Yori, and Haru Yunalesca with Tina Elbmut and Hayato." Yasumi took her hair in front of her shoulder revealing a yin-yang sign on her neck to where only the guards could see it. And that should be identity enough.

The guards opened the gate and moved out of the way. ”Yes, milady.” Yasumi led the group through the gate until the guards crossed their spears blocking Hayato’s way.

“Let him through,” Yasumi commanded.

”But milady.”The guards argued.


”Yes milady.”The guards hesitantly removed their arms from the passageway.

”Thank you.” Yasumi smirked. It's great to be the boss.

Yasumi escorted Hayato through a long street with modest looking houses. “This is the refugee section of the village. We get a lot of 'em here because this village is the best protected in all of Xauna. Its great barrier is renewed every day.”

They walked through a stone archway and nicer houses started to appear. “This is where we house most of the clans. And here's where we're going.” They looked upon a large castle with the same insignia from the guards uniforms. It was covered in ivy and beautiful white flowers. “Here we are, Dragonland castle.”

Chapter 1: Hayato
(Yasumi’s PoV)

I looked down the colossal creature. It lay there in a pool of its own blood. Our mission was complete. The great and fierce creature wouldn’t kill another soul again. I looked up to my teammates. “We did it. Now let’s collect the hide.”

Tina stroked a leather bound hand over the large red scales. “Strong, durable,” She observed, “These scales will make great hide armor.” She took out a dagger and began cutting the skin off, her black braids bouncing around in a ponytail.

“Haru, come here.” I heard my twin’s crisp, gentle voice ring out. “Can you get the fangs? We may be able to use them for blades.”

Haru fastened his great axe to his back, clanking his full plate armor in the process. “I’m coming Yori.” He grabbed hold of great tooth and pulled as hard as he could. The tooth slid right out of place. He placed each fang in a magic bag for the trip home. “I’m always getting the hard work.” Haru’s strong, mischievous voice echoed through the cave.

“You’re the guy and the barbarian. I think you can handle it. Now stop complaining and get to work.” I commanded.

“Dang, with all this meat, we could have nothing but feasts for a year and still have food left over.” Tina stated cutting the last piece of meat they could carry off the bone. “Our magic bags are full and there’s still meat on them bones.”

“Come on, let’s go. I want to get home.” Haru’s voice came from under his helmet.

“Hold on Haru. Patience is a virtue.” I scolded him. My younger brother could be so childish at times. I don’t think his brain ever aged over seventy. He may be an adult by age, but he doesn’t act like one.

“I know Yasumi, but this is my evaluation mission. I’m lucky to be here. At least I didn’t have to go on my own like you guys did.” Haru answered.

“That’s because Dad can’t trust you to go out on your own without messing anything up.” Yori stated.

“Get along you two. Come on Yori, I’d expect that from Haru or Selphy, but not you. Act your age.” I led the way out of the cave and shielded my eyes, ready for the sunlight, but none came.

“Wow.” Haru looked around. “We’ve been in there a long time. I was bright as day when we arrived.”

“Well, Haru, it does take a few hours to slay a colossal red.” I pointed out. “Think about it. We’re the size of one of its talons. It’s a miracle we were able to slay it. They deemed it impossible, so they gave the mission to us, as always.” I turned to Yori. Her green tunic, skirt, and brown leather leggings seemed to blend in with the trees, her brown curls forming the branches, a single light blue and white rose in her hair. Her brilliant emerald eyes just added to her majestic beauty. I chuckled at this picture then snapped back into reality. “Yori, we need scouts.”

Yori nodded her head, her majestic curls bouncing gracefully. She got out a small flute and played a tribal-like tune. Then three grey wolves showed up and Yori commanded them to search ahead.

“Tina, go with them.” I ordered. The dark-skinned halfling bounded off in excitement.

The scouts came back. Yori got a report from the wolves while I spoke to Tina. “Tina, status report.”

The halfling nodded. “There’s a group of hostile trolls and an elven ranger ahead that they’re chasing. Follow me!” She zoomed into an open plain.

“I don’t see any…” I started when suddenly, a male, ranger by the attire, with pale skin and white hair burst out of the forest followed by a horde of trolls. The man screamed, letting loose his last arrow. “Let’s go!” I commanded and we ran into the fray between the elf and the trolls. “Okay, what’s a troll’s weakness?” I demanded.

“Sunlight of course, but it’s probably about midnight.” Tina replied.

My siblings stood beside me. “Are you forgetting? We’re † Yunalescas†s. We can create our own sunlight.” I changed my tone. “Tina, distraction, Yori, Haru, Lunar Eclipse, GO!”

Tina ran around the horde as Yori and Haru clashed blades in the air. I raised my sword. “Sun’s Hatred, Moon’s Ice, Combine!” We yelled together.

We shielded our eyes as a bright light emerged from out swords. After it subsided, I smirked. The trolls were stone. How did I know that would work?

“Let’s go!” I grabbed the elf’s arm and started dragging him away.

“Wait! Who the hell are you?” the elf exclaimed.

I stopped suddenly and let go of his arm. I scratched the back of my head. “Heh…heh…heh…Did we forget to introduce ourselves? I’m Yasumi by the way.” I took a closer look at him. Could it be possible? Red eyes, pale skin, fangs, could he be? “Half vampire?”

Yori’s attention spiked at the name of the shamed race. She glared at the half-elf. “I’m Yori.” She stated coldly. “You’re welcome. Now you may take your leave.”

What’s gotten into you, sister? You never act like this. “YORI!” I exclaimed. “What has come over you? You never act this way, especially in the presence of somebody you don’t know.” I turned to the half-breed. “I’m very sorry for my sister’s behavior. What’s your name anyway?”

“Bu-but Yasumi.” Yori argued. I gave her a stern look.

The elf hesitated for a minute then calmly replied, “Hayato, my name is Hayato.”

Haru burst between me and my twin. “Hayato, eh. Pleased to meet you.” Haru’s goofy smile spread across his rugged face, an odd site to most.

Tina leapt toward Hayato. Her voice flew off. “I’m Tina. I’ve never met anybody. I didn’t even know that was possible.” She squinted her eyes and examined the half-breed. She bounced up and smiled. Her head cocked the side. “He’s okay.”

I grabbed the young halfling’s shoulder, letting her know it was time to stop talking. “Would you like to come back to the village with us?” I asked my voice sincere.

I could tell he was debating whether to go with us or not. I mean, we were complete strangers, but he finally said, “Well, I guess since I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’ve been a wandering ranger since I was kicked out of the village by my own clan."

I nodded, almost missing the last statement. “Okay then, follow me.”

After we started off, Yori came up to me and whispered in my ear. “Are you sure we should trust this guy?” She seemed scared.

“Yori!” I was utterly surprised. “It’s not him. I remember your description vividly. For one thing, that man was fully vampire. This guy’s only half. Stop living your life in the past. It won’t bring him back.”

Hayato must’ve heard the last part because he walked up to us and asked, “What won’t bring who back?”

“Nothing and nobody,” Yori snapped and turned away. There seemed to be a lingering silence the rest of the way home.

We arrived at the ten foot stone gate guarded by two men, one with white armor and cloak held up by a silver pin with the Dragonland insignia, a cross with a dragon wrapped around it, the other had the same pin made of gold holding up his black cloak over his black armor.

“We’re here.” I headed toward the gate, stopping a foot away. I placed my palm on an invisible wall and spoke words of the most ancient Yunalesca toungue.

A flash of light emerged in the shape of an arch, making our pathway, one that the team and I had taken many times before. I motioned for the others to follow.

I walked up to the guards. “Yasumi Yunalesca, head of team Ryuunosuke, reporting back from our mission with Tina, Yori, and Haru, weary, but mostly unharmed.”

The guard clad in black looked at me skeptically from under his helmet. “How do we know you’re really Yasumi? We have no proof. We’ll need some kind of identity.”

I rolled my eyes. “As always, you take your job way too seriously, but if I must.” I leaned in closer, showing the mark that proved me as a Yunalesca, a black and white Yin-Yang sign for me, to where the newcomer could not see it. There was no reason for him to know what I am yet. He might not be as accepting. “That should be enough. If not, I could always demonstrate my Angel’s Curse on you.” I lifted my eyebrows.

The guard in white nodded. “I am sorry milady. It is his job. We’re terribly sorry for making you wait.” He bowed and helped the other guard open the gate. They bowed politely to us, as was expected of them, and then moved to the sides again.

I led my team through and the guards showed no hesitation, but when it came to Hayato, they crossed their spears blocking his way.
I raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips, staring at the servants sternly. “Let. Him. Through.” I demanded.

“But milady,” the guards argued in unison, “An outsider.”

“Are you questioning me?” I let my hand go to my hip. “Let him through, NOW!”

“Y-yes milady.” Their eyes were filled with fear as they hesitantly moved their weapons from the gate.

I smirked. “Thank you.”

‘It’s sometimes nice to be in charge.’

I escorted Hayato throughout the familiar village. This particular area had modest sized houses, not all too special, but nice to live in. “This is the refugee section of the village. We get a lot of 'em here because this village is the best protected in all of Xauna. Its great barrier is renewed every day.”

I usher them through a stone archway and larger, fancier houses begin to appear. “This is where we house most of the clans. And here's where we're going.” I stopped before a large castle with the same insignia from the guards uniforms. It was covered in ivy and beautiful white flowers. “Here we are Dragonland castle.”
I am a sky rose: one of those rare beauties in all Xauna.

Banner made by 09rper
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    www.fanart-central.net Forum Index -> Writing Help All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum