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My newest poem, tell me what you think!

 
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unloved_poet
Very bored


Joined: 03 Apr 2004
Posts: 120
Location: Virginia Beach

PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:50 pm    Post subject: My newest poem, tell me what you think! Reply with quote

If Only to Dream 7/22/08

Spring forth from the bowels of life shall I
never to have known true pain
an insomniac deprived of breath
a thought, to the mind, a stain

The light from within blinds me so
our sun forever put to shame
as love and life dance in vain
for true evil it shall try to tame

Though woe is who shall see it through
to carry on this reckless task
of purging worlds of all they know
to cleanse their devious, darkest past

And if I still shall carry on
do hope I shall not die
though life to all may always be
a well thought out insomniacs lie




______________________________________________________________________

Wrote this at like 1 in the morning. I have an idea of what it means, but I would love to see how you guys view it!
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Firiel
Has No Life


Joined: 13 Feb 2012
Posts: 620

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 8:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blinded by an inner light brighter than the sun, cleansing worlds of their darkness... That much sounds like a savior-figure, or somebody who thinks that they are.
On the other hand, "Spring forth from the bowels of life shall I"--and the speaker has never known true pain. A newborn? A child? The light could, instead of being a real estimation of inner power, be more like a naive hope to make everything ok.

Just my impressions. I am curious as to author intent, however.

Also, if you don't mind too much... in "a well thought out insomniacs lie" it could be a good idea to put an apostrophe in "insomniacs," since it is possessive.
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luckylace222
Site Helper


Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The flow and straight-forward terms are lovely! I read it out in my head, and it would sound great orally too!

I find it humerus that insomniacs may contemplate crazy poems like these while attempting to fall asleep.
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