Relationship between mom and me worth it?

[Raccoonlady]

There's never a calm between us.
Sometimes she can be really nice to my sister and me, other times, most of the time she's aggressive and can't stand us. Right now she's mad because my dad went to Africa, has 3 other children there, got into a car accident and is crippled.
But she takes her stress out on her family and is very hostile towards us, it's either or with her.
I really wanted this relationship to work, and would do anything for her. If she died I would take my life to be with her, and whenever she tells me she never wants to see me again, I have attempted to take my life to please her.
This has happened five times, it's kind like giving up your life for your country except in a sick way because it's my mom. I'm tired of dealing with myself being attached to her.
Sometimes I think it's best that I just stop talking to her because, I will always want her affection, and when she's nasty I take it as a sign she wants me to die.
I just don't think I can't handle this relationship anymore, and it's not good for health apparently.
Maybe I'll talk to her again once I'm under control and can handle her hostility but I can't take it when she's cruel to me.
(she's cruel to my sister too, but my sister can handle it)

I'm really trying to encourage myself to leave because even my cousin, she doesn't talk to her mom and she is the only one married with a house.

Anyway I'm 20 and dying to move out. Only problem is, I work in retail and go to college. Should I quit college get a full time job working in an office and move out? Working in an office gives you a substantial amount of money which would give me enough to take care of my bare essentials.

Yet at the same time I don't want to upset and disappoint my mom, but I really want to please myself before her.
What should I do?
I've tried talking about this with my therapist but all she says is "but don't you..." "but don't you..." "I think you feel this way because..."
Right now I'm not trying to analyze my situation, I just want to figure what's best for me.