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What do you do when...?

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Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Posts: 6983
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 4:10 am    Post subject: What do you do when...? Reply with quote

This girl you knew 10 years ago finds you on facebook, calls you out of the blue before even sending you a message and proceeds to tell you everything that has happened in her life the past decade, married, two kids, unhappy... Still with the same guy after all this time, pretty much the only guy she's ever had a real relationship with, still treating her terrible.

You two used to like eachother a lot when you were teenagers and almost dated, came very close to being with eachother several times, but she was too hung up on this asshole that you just let her go. You realized how big of a mistake that was because now she is a gorgeous woman, great mother, extremely loyal to her husband, and loves to cook. She tells you she wants to leave him. One night she calls you at 2am and says she left him and is going to a motel, and would like to see you. Being a great guy, you decline, not wanting to ruin her marriage and split up their family. they eventually get back together.

One day her husband texts you, telling you not to mess with her and that they are in love, and you can only be friends. This is strange to you because you and her haven't been flirting or doing anything wrong/sexual. The only thing wrong is that you knew she didn't tell him about you because he knows that you and her were interested in eachother 10 years ago. But you don't even know what she's thinking or feeling about you.

You are currently single and have been thinking of finding a serious relationship, even since before she got in touch with you. You are torn, you don't want to mess with their marriage, but as a friend, you don't want her to be with the guy. You think she may be interested in you, and you feel the same about her. You are sure she doesn't want to be with the guy anymore. But again, they have kids, and are married.

You just got that text from her husband, what do you do next? What are your best options?
"edit : i luv james" - Layzcarter
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Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...You are talking about yourself? Possibly?

1. Negotiating Method: Whoever this person is, they should not immediately put their part in this until they are completely sure about the other person's feelings. If they have yet to understand this woman's true feelings and want to pull her out of her marriage, they are playing with fire. Unfortunately, we are dealing with children here as well, so their choice will affect not only them but the entire family. They should talk to this seemingly gorgeous motherly woman and clarify whether she is truly willing to commit to them- or if she is too distressed and unsatisfied at the moment to think straight.

Warning: Women usually over think situations and complicate things for themselves when they bring a man they have not met in years into their marriage. They are playing with fire, and you will get burned if you play at her level.

(If the distress is noticeable, let her have some time to cool off and think about her marriage a little more. It is not good to leave a friend in a "bad" marriage, but what happens when the wife turns out to be not as great as one woud percieve, and she lets her bipolar emitons affect the children and you after her new realtionship? Then one has digged oneself in a hole.)

If she can prove that she is truthful of her feelings and can serve as a good mother even AFTER an affair/broken marriage, talk to the husband. DO NOT be like those distraught couples that run away every time they see their ex-mates because they want to run away from something they could not deal with in the past. If they are to break a marriage, family, and leave the children with the scar of divorce, they better be ready for the consequences. Talk to the husband and tell him reasons for why they need his cooperation in this new relationship. 1. He's a douche 2. The woman needs to explain why she is leaving him and why he is a douche 3. What you can provide for the woman- you will not abuse and treat her badly, she and the children are in good hands 4. He is a douche, but you will forgive him

Also clarify whether the husband truly is a douche, or the woman is under a bias point of view and only thinks negatively of him everyday because she is comparing him to you. Plus, he does not seem like the husband that gives up easily on his marriage and woman. This either shows he has promise and integrity for his marriage or he really really does not like his women taken away from him.

It is strange that the husband knew about your subtle intimate relationship in high school when you know for sure you or the wife did not tell him. Somebody must have leaked it.

Finally, soul search and ask ONESELF if one is truly ready to get in good terms with her unrelated children, deal with their teasing and complicated angry feelings about the divorce, pick up an entire relationship that never happened in high school, work with the awkwardness of the ex-husband indirectly cyber-bullying or complaining half the time, and WHETHER ONE CAN BE A GOOD HUSBAND.

A lot of steps, but I assure you, that is how smart people would do it.

2. The Assertive Way: Have an affair and steal the children against their consent from the husband and live with bitter unexplained feelings for the rest of the unofficial marriage- but you will get lots of sex and good cooking.
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
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Joined: 21 Mar 2022
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PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2022 4:27 am    Post subject: Re: What do you do when...? Reply with quote

I wouldn't get involved in such a relationship, no good can come of it. You're getting involved in a dirty game. Let them sort it out among themselves first, put all the dots between them.
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