Blind Lightning

[Alpha_zero]

Some chapter of this story are currently being re-written due to being rushed. But before I begin to completely re-write it I want some opinions. Is it rushed? Is it any good?


Title:Sins of a hero (one of two)
Rating:PG-13
Category:Games-Jak and Daxter trilogy
Genre:Fanfiction, action adventure
Summary:Set after the end of Jak III (3). Jak suffers a need to return to sandover village, where he grew up. Simply home sickness? Or a warning? Soon he discovers a new threat, and reveals his love for Keira...But its all to good, isn't it?
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I came
I saw
I ripped over a damn rock.

[theWriter]

Hmmm...Matt, you have a good idea but there are many grammatical errors that easily can be fixed. I like the idea but as a psycho bitch when it comes to the English language I have to correct the following things:

The entire story ends on a rather short notice, and leaves the reader feeling abandoned. Trust me, readers hate being abandoned. You have a good idea and start setting the mood, but then suddenly it gets a little confuzzing. Here's a hint: write as if this is a real story. Even though it's a fanfic and you expect people to know exactly what you're talking about, there is the occaisonal normal bum who just wants to read something. They come across your story and think, great, but once they get into it, they're sitting there like WTF because they don't understand who is coming from where and why. So, even if it's a fanfic, remember it try to appeal to all audiences. Explain even if you feel no explaining is needed.

Now, to the grammah. I'm going to redo what you just wrote. I want you to see what I edited and understand what I did. If you didn't, ask a question.

[quote]Jak!"

Huh? Eh? Wat?!"

Ya been daydreaming again.[/quote]
You must, under all circumstances, have a period after a dialouge sentence, now matter how much it may seem annoying. Exclamations and anything used in the sentence must go within the quotes.

[quote]Uhhhhh.

The small orange squirrel creature strode up to him.[/quote]
Who is this orange squirrel? Elaborate.

[quote]Jak ever since the precursors left you've been so quiet."[/quote]
What are the precursors, exactly? Tedious, but the reader needs info.

[quote]I suppose

Jak had saved the world three times now. Once as a young mute. Second time as a raging teen. And again as an adult outlaw. But Jak secretly longed to return to Sandover, Which he grew up in. He had saved that world, when Daxter was blessed (though he thought it was a curse) with the body of a precursor. [/quote]

Good, good, good. This is what I'm talking about. The reader has an idea of what happened in the past. Now, if you spread this to beyond this little paragraph, it would make the story run much smoother.

[quote]Jak sighed dreamily.

Suddenly he sat bolt upright, as Keira walked into the Naughty Ottsel.

That's it! Keira. [/quote]

Hold the phone! Who is Keira. She sounds familiar to the reader, yet we don't know until the sentence afterwards who Keira is. In fact, we don't even know what she looks like. We want to know what she looks like, so expand this for us. And where is the Naughty Ottsel? The reader doesn't know who's who and what's what. You must enlighten them.

[quote]Jak sat up bolt upright as the lady he loved so much, so secretly, waltzed in. [/quote]

Ding, ding, ding! The emotions are good, now we now a little bit more...but still not enough. [b]Why [/b]does he love her? [b]What [/b]drew them together?

[quote]Hey [/quote]
We [b]need [/b]periods within the quotes. It is imperitive! In the following section, I'm going to put them in for you so that we can move on.

[quote]Hiya, erm, Keira.

What's up, Jak? asked Keira.

Mustn't look into her deep sea blue eyes! Mustn't![/quote]
Aha! We have some description here. Now if only you could enlighten more...

[quote]Jak looked up into those deep blue eyes as if the world could never end.

Jak. said Daxter slapping over the head you're scaring the customers. Go make yourself useful some place else. The stadium even. [/quote]
We get the feeling that Daxter is the ever sarcastic usual sidekick...but we want MORE. Why is he a ferret...or whatever he is. More, Matt, more!

[quote]Uhh...yeah. Sure, said Jak walking unsteadily out of the bar.[/quote]

It ends on such a sudden note we don't know what to expect. Where is this leading? What ever is going to happen to the main heer-o? We don't know where this is going. We are confused and want more emotion from everyone.

Sorry, Matt, but you're a good writer for a young kiddo and I want you to get better. I hope what I said (though long winded) is helpful. Feel free to ask questions.


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[Alpha_zero]

Thanks Megan, your harsh but always true advice is being taken on board. I'm re-writing it anyway, and this is actually the point of this critique topic. I need to know what to re-write and how.

I guess when I wrote this, I assumed people had played the Jak and Daxter game, didn't really think about outsiders.




_________________
I came
I saw
I ripped over a damn rock.

[theWriter]

I didn't mean to be harsh...just critical. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you. And I understand. Though most of your readers are likely those who have played the game, you always have to remember there might be a few outsiders who are interested too.

I'm sorry I was so harsh...didn't mean for it to come out like that.
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[Alpha_zero]

No, no, Not that harsh. More refreshing. ^_^

Anyway the prologue has been lengthened and is alot better. (That was orginally written for another plotline )

I'm still looking for crituique, especially on later chapter, which I absouloutly 100% must destroy all evidence of, they're that bad :wacko:


_________________
I came
I saw
I ripped over a damn rock.