The True Journey

Dark_Soul676 · Member Joined: 11 Feb 2006 Posts: 74

Hello, wanted to see what you guys think of this fanfic I'm making.

Just so you know, this is my first one, so it might not be too good. Sad

http://fanart-central.net/stories.php?sid=28033

Dark_Soul676 · Member Joined: 11 Feb 2006 Posts: 74

Crap, sorry I forgot to do all that stuff. Banghead

- The True Journey http://fanart-central.net/stories.php?sid=28033
- PG-13 lang,racist,spoiler
- Fanfic
- Games: Tales of Symphonia
- I dunno what you'd call it to be honest, it's a mix between Adventure and Drama.
-Pairing (if applicable)- not sure what you mean by that, please explain.
- With the true form of the two worlds reintact, has racism really disappeared? Not for Genis or Rayne. It's basically what happens to Genis and Rayne when they venture out into the world to try and aid the half-elves. With the reappearances of their friends, Lloyd, Sheena, Zelos, Regal, Presea, and of course, Collette.

theWriter · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:04 pm Post subject:

You don't have to copyright something in the text as long as before your story you give the disclaimer: All blah blah blah are not mine and are property of blah blah blah.

Okay, now, I'm a hard critiquer, but don't take it personally.

First:
[quote]:A small boy, awakening from his slumber would gaze outside to the world. A slight sigh

escaping from his lips.:: Another day...

::He would hop out of his bed and begin to get into his clothes.::

...Genis? Are you awake?
[/quote]
This is an incredibly big no-no. You never, ever, under any circumstances use :: to represent an action. In the world of English, writing in chat format is frowned upon. You have the quotes in a perfectly good position, but the :: must go. They are not correct. You can easily represent an action without them, in fact, it's easier to do so without the :: in the picture.

[quote]A female halfelf would enter his room, she was in her late teens, but she took care of him like a

mother.::
[/quote]
My complaint here is that the spacing is funky. Your computer must've had a brain fart, because most of this is in a strange format. Besides that, we want more description.

Though your reader is obviously someone who has played "Tales of Symphonia" you must also consider that there are others out there who haven't played the game but are just as interested in reading the story. Therefore, you have to give more description. What does this elf look like? We understand that she takes care of the kid like a mother, and that's good. You're giving us some background info here, but on the other hand, we don't have an idea what she looks like, only that she's an elf. Which doesn't help much.

[quote]She would sob as she spoke these words. Genis held her close, listening to the evil words the people screamed at them. Suddenly, they would hear a familiar voice behind them.::

You can save yourselves, but first you have to believe that you can do it.

::A teenage boy would be sitting on the window sill, a female in her late teens next to him.::
[/quote]
Aha! Yet another character is added to the spectrum. Good. We know that they are familiar, but...but what? How? What have they been through together? You're giving the reader tid-bits when they want more than that. It's annoying, yes, but think how much more interested your audience will be.

YOu have a good idea or racism and how hatred still effects a society. On the other hand, we don't get very much description. You leave a lot of holes in the plot that readers, being too lazy to care, will not bother to look into. More description is good. Don't be afraid of it. You have an idea, which is good. You have characters. Even better. But now, you must expand. You have to broaden the idea and give more description. What's the building they're in? What's the scenery outside look like? Why is there so much hate? Who, when, what, where and why are huge components in your story that need answering. Once you do that, Josh, you'll have a masterpiece.

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. However, once you do some of these things to your little ditty, it will be so much more fun to read, and I guarentee you'll get more comments. Smile

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Dark_Soul676 · Member Joined: 11 Feb 2006 Posts: 74

[quote]A female halfelf would enter his room, she was in her late teens, but she took care of him like a

mother.::
[/quote]

[quote]My complaint here is that the spacing is funky. Your computer must've had a brain fart, because most of this is in a strange format. Besides that, we want more description. [/quote]

Yea, I don't know what it did, nor do I know why it did it. I'm thinking the HTML format mess up the spacing somehow.

[quote]YOu have a good idea or racism and how hatred still effects a society. On the other hand, we don't get very much description. You leave a lot of holes in the plot that readers, being too lazy to care, will not bother to look into. More description is good. Don't be afraid of it. You have an idea, which is good. You have characters. Even better. But now, you must expand. You have to broaden the idea and give more description. What's the building they're in? What's the scenery outside look like? Why is there so much hate? Who, when, what, where and why are huge components in your story that need answering. Once you do that, Josh, you'll have a masterpiece.[/quote]

Thank-you. I'm glad you liked it, and I'll look into all the things you suggested.

[quote]I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. However, once you do some of these things to your little ditty, it will be so much more fun to read, and I guarentee you'll get more comments. Smile

[/quote]

Not at all, constructive critism is good, it helps writers learn from their mistakes. Once again, thank-you. Smile

theWriter · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 3:33 pm Post subject:

Welcome. Did it all make sense?
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Dark_Soul676 · Member Joined: 11 Feb 2006 Posts: 74

Yea, I understand.

I need to describe my characters better, the setting better, my plot better, ect.

theWriter · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 3:48 pm Post subject:

Just making sure...I'm known for being a windbag.
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Dark_Soul676 · Member Joined: 11 Feb 2006 Posts: 74

I fixed it up a bit and reposted it, but it still spaced out weirdly....

I don't have any idea why it's doing that, but besides that, it looked pretty good. <_<

http://fanart-central.net/stories.php?sid=28136

theWriter · Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 2:43 pm Post subject:

:huh: That paragraphing is still very strange--maybe you oughta try a different way to write it, a different, program, but otherwise, this was much, much better. I was impressed at how well it came along. You added description, more emotion and character depth, and it came together great. The tense is slightly confusing, because you are implying that this is something that would happen on a daily routine, but otherwise...I am truly impressed.

Good job, Josh. Smile

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