Just Created A Story

newtype192004 · Newb Joined: 31 Dec 1969 Posts: 5

I just finished writing the first two chapters in my story. Feel free to check it out. I'm a beginner and your opinion is greatly appreciated.

Here's the link

http://fanart.ctgameinfo.com/stories.php?sid=3694

silver_dreams · Elder Than Dirt Joined: 05 Feb 2004 Posts: 5102

not to be rude or anything, but how old are you? the writing in that story is incredibly juvenile, and has no 'hook' to get people to keep reading.

Normally, you would have some sort of little suspenseful something to keep readers insterested. like, for example: 'It was a normal day, but soon to turn dark'. or something. not necessarily giving the storyline away, but giving the readers something to ponder about, so they will keep reading to find out what is meant. like fishing, in a way. the fish (reader) sees the hook (insteresting thing), and will go after it, to see what's behind it,to find out the reasoning behind it. i only skimmed through the first two paragraphs of your story, but lost interest in those few sentances.

hopefully this will help you improve even in the least bit.