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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Grammar and Spelling Assistance Offered Reply with quote

Hi. Considering the ferocious wrestling matches some people seem to have with spelling and grammar, I thought it might be a good idea to start this thread, where I can help people who want help with their grammar, structure, vocab, etc.

Here's what I'm thinking. Post a reply here with a link to the story you want help on in it. I'll read it and make notes, then write all the corrections together in my reply here and try to explain WHY to make those corrections, so you can maybe use it for later reference. Half of my family is composed of teachers and I read and write a lot, so my grammar is fairly good--and of course, you don't have to use the corrections I post. They're just suggestions.

So, if anyone wants help...I'm here. And I promise to be nice. I won't say, "You stupid idiot, what the hell were you doing writing stuff that screwed up?!" I swear on my bishie list.

Just let me know.
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What, [i]nobody[/i] needs any?
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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theWriter
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah. They need it, but they just don't know it yet.

You tried, Ian. You tried. Sad

Well...Actually.

Please critique the following and tell me what I can fix:

[url=http://www.fictionpress.com%2F%7Ethetwilightpen]Pound Counting 101[/url]
[url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-23448.html]Eyes[/url]

Thanks Ian! Very Happy
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Work! ^.^ ^.^ ^.^

Okay, lessee...

Your third paragraph:

"Remember those nights in your house with your other little friends, all around the age of six, when you'd dare each other to go down into the basement. Alone. With no lights. For twenty minutes?"

The first sentence--in fact, possibly all the sentences--should probably end with question marks. You're asking a question, right? But...

"Remember those nights in your house with your other little friends, all around the age of six, when you'd dare each other to go down into the basement? Alone? With no lights? For twenty minutes?"

...looks a little much, so possibly you should put the first two sentences into one, like this:

"Remember those nights in your house with your other little friends, all around the age of six, when you'd dare each other to go down into the basement alone? With no lights? For twenty minutes?"

Anyways. Next part:

"It held so much mystery, so muchAdventure. Such much allure."

Uncapitalize "Adventure" and change "such" to "so." The first because it's still one sentence--the second, I'm pretty sure is just a typo.

Next:

"And if I get this right, I've been there for about ten years now. Ten

long

painful

(black)

Years.

Θ "

I think you should uncapitalize "Years" as well, to fit the pattern you started. And as for that weird thing after it? I have no idea what that is. It's just randomly in your fanfic...probably a computer tantrum.

"I can imagine that she rolls her eyes and gives me a face, a big disgruntled one the shows that she's in no mood to deal with me right now. Little snobby sister. Ugh how she hates being the elder."

Here, change the "the" in "a big disgruntled one the shows that..." to "that." Again, probably just a missed typo. But hey, that's what I'm here for, right? Oh yes, and you might want a comma after the "Ugh".

Nicole, don't roll you eyes at me. It's bad enough you don't have any pity when I run, blindly, I might add, into and around random objects of the basement staircase.

The first "you" should be a "your"--"Nicole, don't roll [b]your[/b] eyes at me." And purely stylistically, consider putting dashes into the second part of the sentence: "It's bad enough you don't have any pity when I run--blindly, I might add--into and around random objects of the basement staircase."

" I seem to have misplaced it. Comes my pertinent reply."

As it is, the "Comes my pertinent reply" is a fragment. Change the first period to a comma and lowercase the "Comes" so it's all one sentence, and that problem's fixed. " "I seem to have misplaced it," comes my pertinent reply." And on a REALLY nitpicky level, is "pertinent" really the right adjective there? Pertinent means relevant, and I'm not sure that's quite the right word for the place. Maybe "intelligent," for sarcasm? :perplexed:

Fine then. I'll just go talk to Jake

Add either a comma or an ellipsis after Jake.

Fine. I'll go shopping with you... Nicole sounds frantic, Just don't tell Jake.

Okay. Tricky. The ellipsis is fine, but if you use it, you need to add another one right between the quotations and the word just, and lowercase the just, so it becomes:

Fine. I'll go shopping with you... Nicole sounds frantic, [b]...just[/b] don't tell Jake.

Goody. On...

"...when you feel the bones in her hands, they're like little [b]liable [/b]bird bones; bound to crack any second."

"Liable"? I'm thinking "pliable." Am I right?

"I was going with Trevor, my two years senior..."

Try changing the "my two years senior" to "my senior by two years." It's just more understandable that way.

"But anywayWe got to the pool"

Lowercase the "We," since it's still the same sentence.

"There was little blood splotches in some places, but they, whoever they is..."

You [i]could[/i] put the second "they" into quotations, but you don't need to. It's okay both ways.

"The docs called it conversion hysteria, or, for those who don't have an extensive vocabulary, trauma. They said I had seen something or experienced something so horrible that my brain protected me by making me blind.

Some protection that is. I'm apt to die now falling over a few stupid stairs. Yeah, that's safety, alright."

Nothing wrong here. I just had to say, I LOVED this line ^.^

"There is just so much in a car that, it's like I'm whole again, all senses intact."

I'm pretty sure you don't need that first comma...

" Sight. I say."

Ooh, perfect! Replace the first period here with that comma from there.

Nicole, I say, sighing, Just tell me what you see.

You can lowercase the "Just," since again, it's all the same sentence.

"The sky, it's the color of cement and blue-berry kool-aide."

Probably don't need the hyphen in "blue-berry." By the way? I agree with Mia. Ewww... ^.^

"The places near the edges of the seat are just gray, but as you move in the checker-pattern, navy blue, pops up about an inch from the edge."

That last comma is obstructing Nicole's speech. Kick it out!

"From the high pitched whine of car tires on the highway..."

I usually see "high pitched" hyphenated. Steal the hyphen from blue-berry.

" Excellente. I say, grabbing at my cane and sunglasses, pushing them onto my face."

Comma after "Excellente," not a period.

"I wish I didn't have to where these things."

Curse those typos! I think you were trying for "wear," not "where."

"We walk up to the doors, I push on one of the entrances and as the air sweeps through my ears and hair, I step inside amid the lovely mall aroma of perfume, cologne, new clothes, adolescents, staling air conditioning and so much more."

Personally, I would replace "inside amid" with "into," but that's just me. On the other hand, "sta[b]li[/b]ng air conditioning" needs to be "sta[b]lli[/b]ng air conditioning."

"The noise in here, from the swearing teens to geezers saying damn kids, "

Capitalize "damn," dammit! ^.^

"As we weave our ways through the store, and I sense the stares of other people that poor girl I walk faster..."

Okay, this was tricky, but I think you need to capitalize "that" and put the whole "That poor girl" in paranthesis to put it as a kind of...aside, whispered all around her, not openly stated. You know? "...I sense the stares of other people ("That poor girl,") I walk faster..."

"They start out so young and naïve, parents..."

Whoa. Something messed up the word "naive" somethin` fierce.

"I give a laugh as he finally victors over my black room..."

Is "victor" a verb? I know "triumph" is, but "victor"? Hmm... :perplexed:

" I came up here for a reason, sis. He says, leaning forward in the chair and making it creak again."

Comma-ize the first period and lowercase "he."

Jake, I'm a big girl. I've stood up for myself dozens of times and I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Just because I have thisThis problem, it doesn't mean I'm disabled for life."

Unfortunately, you already stated the "big girl" part in the previous paragraph, so you might want to just take it out and merge the first two sentences into, "Jake, I've stood up for myself dozens of times..." And decapitalize the "This" after the ellipsis.

"Jake shakes his head and, more to himself than me murmurs:"

Put one of the excess commas taken out above here, right after "me."

And that's it for the first chapter of Eyes! Whew. I'll get to the rest some other time...some time that is not one-`o-clock in the morning ~.^ Hope that helps, Megan. I really like this story--it was a pleasure to edit.
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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theWriter
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And hot diggity damn did you edit, my friend.

Thank you. Most of those were probably typos and yours truly having a brain fart...I haven't looked at that story in over a year. Shocked
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, onto chapter two then!

Looking back at the last edit posted, I have to say it looks like a pain to read. I think I'll start bolding the quotes I take to fix, and italicizing points of interest.

[b]Okay. Mom releases my hand and leans back in her seat, patting me reassuringly on the arm.

Don't worry. In two hours we'll be there.[/b]

I don't think you need to skip a line there. Just put the "Don't worry" part at the end of the previous sentence.

"...patting me reassuringly on the arm. "Don't worry. In two hours we'll be there." "

For that matter, you might want to change that last part from "In two hours we'll be there" to "We'll be there in two hours." Or, just stick a comma in after "hours." The way you have it now sounds a little clunky, for some reason.

[b]"I have no clue how high we are nor can I see the miraculous height."[/b]

Hmm. Put a comma after "are," and consider changing either the high part or the height part. Maybe change "the miraculous height" to "the miraculous drop beneath us." Um...well, maybe not. But change something there. Having highness there twice is a little...redundant.

[b]"All I know is that the engines are insanely loud--even through the plexi class--"[/b]

Plexi class? Never seen one of those before O.O Seen plexiglass, though...

[b]"there's a baby three rows behind me screaming his fool head off and in the bathroom two rows in front of me"[/b]

Put a comma after "off," seeing as it is a list, even though you didn't need a comma after the whole plexiglass comment considering the dashes.

[b]"and how we'll have so much fun and how it'll be a blast; and Nicole whining that Jake is being a perv"[/b]

The semicolon should just be a plain old comma. It's another list. Incidentally, I love the irony in this part ^.^

[b]We're here. Mom announces voice bright. From the back, Jake and I groan grumpily, awakened from a nearly there sleep moment.[/b]

Um. Well, comma after "announces," so that "Mom announces, voice bright." The last little part about the nearly there sleep moment needs a different description--something like, "Jake and I groan grumpily, awakened mere moments away from sleep."

[b]"Stay away from lunching teenagers. They bump heads."[/b]

I think you mean "lurching teenagers," but honestly, it's true either way, so...

[b]"That nice, just fresh smell cloaks the majority of the other things, pleasant and otherwise I could be sniffing, so I shrug and tap my way on, bumping into a car, feeling my way around it, and then walking to where I hear Mom, Dad shouting greetings to people I don't know."[/b]

Let's see. Take out the "just" and throw in another comma after "otherwise." Put in a that, too-- "other things, pleasant and [i]otherwise, that [/i]I could be sniffing..." Finally, take out the comma between Mom and Dad and change it to "Mom and Dad."

[b]"I thank her before Mom and Dad look over to me and I can tell they're grinning their adult faces off."[/b]

This could go two ways. You can make it two sentences by dividing it at "and":

"I thank her before Mom and Dad look over to me. I can tell they're grinning their adult faces off."

...but that sounds kind of choppy. You could put a semi-colon there instead of the "and":

"I thank her before Mom and Dad look over to me; I can tell they're grinning their adult faces off."

...but that's kind of a rough topic transition. First you're talking about thanking Nicole, then the parents doing a Cheshire Cat impression? It could work. But it might not. Honestly, you might want to just rewrite that sentence entirely.

[b]"I hear someone thunk down the stairsSomeone a little on the chunky side.and slide to the front door. He fiddles with the lock before swinging the door wide open and grinning."[/b]

Replace the ellipses with dashes and lowercase the s in "Someone." Also, out of curiosity, how does Mia know he's grinning? Does she just expect it, or does she know from previous experience that he's ALWAYS grinning?

[b]"It's warm too, and not too hot or cold (wow, I just made a Goldilock's reference), but just right."[/b]

I like this. I actually really like this. But you should probably switch it's order slightly:

"It's warm, too: not too hot and not too cold, but just right (wow, I just made a Goldilocks reference)."

Well...maybe not like that. That doesn't sound [i]quite[/i] right either. But you can take it from there, I'm sure. Just make sure there's no apostrophe in Goldilocks.

[b]"they (whoever they is) shoots right to me and squeezes me in a frightening, bone-wrenching hug from death."[/b]

Put the second they into quotations (whoever "they" is) and I think it might be a frightening, bone-wrenching hug "of" death, not "from" death. Although I like it being "from" death as well. You could probably leave that alone if you wanted.

[b]"my cousins, as it was (why are you blind? can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?)"[/b]

Capitalize "why" and "can," and this rather insulting scene is complete. Unless you want to change the "as it was," because despite being grammatically correct (I think,) it still sounds odd.

[b]"But nowIt's just not right."[/b]

Lowercase the i for "It's."

[b][i]Follow me. She whispers.[/i][/b]

I'm going to give you a big box of commas for your birthday, Megan. Stick one right here instead of the period, and lowercase "She" ^.^

[b][i]Then follow.
I obey obediently, though I don't know why[/i][/b]

Weird. For some reason, these two sentences don't have a space between them. :perplexed: I think that's FAC, not you, but I'm not sure, so I'll point it out.

[b]"A draft suddenly catches my by my slipper enclosed feet and I realize I'm outside."[/b]

I cannot imagine anything scarier for a blind person--waking up knowing you don't know where you are. Hyphenate "slipper enclosed" and take a look at that "my by my" part--what is it supposed to be? :perplexed:

[b]But you are. The lake says calmly. [/b]

Comma after "are," lowercase "The."

[b]There's a reason for everything, Mia. The lake says peacefully, unperturbed.[/b]

So, when's your birthday, Megan? ^.^ Comma after "Mia," lowercase "The" again.

[b]"Helpless, naïve"[/b]

Another psychotic "naive," I'm afraid...

[b][i]"and slowlygod, it's painfulhe begins to fall to the cliff."[/i][/b]

I think you mean he's falling "off the cliff"...not that that makes things any better at this part of the story.

[b][i]"I hit the ground as Trevor, eagle-spread..."[/i][/b]

Reverse that to "spread-eagle."

[b][i]HE WAS NINE YEARS OLD!! there's a ragged laughter from me; I can tell I'm going to crack very soon. WHY'D YOU TAKE HIM?!?! OF ALL PEOPLE, TAKE ME! SMITE ME OUT! It's not like there's anything left to live for. Anything left for me toI feel dizzy.[/i][/b]

Capitalize the "there's" after the first scream, and make sure there's a space here:

"Anything left for me to..."[u] [/u]I feel dizzy."

[b]"I bring a hand up to shield my face and being to laugh hysterically."[/b]

She "begin"s to laugh hysterically! For...um...a reason that I won't state here!

Very nice ending, Megan. The dream sequences were massively engrossing ^.^
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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theWriter
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 8:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oy vay I never did notice all those boo-boos. Shocked

Thank you so much. Obviously most of them are misaligned fingers and whatnot, and others are just simply my brain not reacting. Wow. Glad you pointed them out.

...Wow.

When's muh birthday? Random question, I have a feeling that there was a catch behind the phrase but it was just this May.

Thank you, once again, Ian. Smile Do you want to continue editing it or do you think my brain might explode?
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lot49
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, I just saw your post and would be grateful if you could take a looksee through my fic. It's written for [i]House[/i], and could use a good kicking from my comma abuse, misused semicolons and oddly-placed parentheticals.

[url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37083.html]Here you go[/url]. Hit me hard; I need it.

ETA: Ugh. Let me format this correctly.

- Title: Objects in Motion

- URL: [url]http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37083.html[/url]

- Series: House

- Pairing: House/Cameron, eventually

- Summary: You can't always get what you want...but lies and sabotage make a pretty good start. Cameron moves on. House is passive-aggressive. Wilson is amused.

And they say romance is dead. (Too bad about the patients, though.)

- Advisories: Well, it is a medical show, and it is...House. So, swearing: check; TMI body parts: check; House being obnoxious: check; House being a dick: check; House being an obnoxious dick: well, thats given; violence: check (later); sex: check (later).
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Bulletproofskunk
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hello
1. the crossover must be funny and can be on anything like anime or western cartoons.

2. a comic is what i want to make.

3. before i make a comic i need a story so if u've got 1 that would be nice.

thanx for correcting me on my subject.
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Astri
How can I get a custom title thing?


Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Valencia, CA

PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! The first person besides Megan to use my thread! (No offense, Megan ^.^; ) I've never even heard of House, but let's take a look here...

[b]"The silence isn't quite there when he abruptly tugs the fallboard down, grimace accompanying the last few notes lingering in the air, until the sounds finally dissipate."[/b]

Okay. This is very picky and it might already be the way you want it, but grammatically speaking you [i]should[/i] add "a" before "grimace"; "...fallboard down, a grimace accompanying..." That's grammatically more correct--but it reads well the way it is, so you could just call it literary license and ignore that.

[b]"Chase, give her a couple of Tylenol, a paper bag to breathe into and send her on her way. "[/b]

Change this to "give her a couple of Tylenol and a paper bag to breathe into and send her on her way." This is one of those tricky little buggers, and I'm not even really sure how to explain this. The reason is that the "and" you have there is there to bind the "couple of Tylenol and a paper bag" together with the "send her on her way." Except if you don't have the "and" I put there, then there's nothing tying the Tylenol with the bag into one thought. Without my "and," your "and" only gets the bag, not the Tylenol.

That made no sense whatsoever --.-- Just trust me and add the "and," I guess.

[b]"Without further word, the great and powerful House toddles to his office."[/b]

Hmm. I would just add "a" before "further," but "Without a further word" doesn't quite sound right. I really like "further" here, but you might want to change it to "Without another word" instead. Or you could make it, "Without any further word." That might work too. Hmm. Just pick the one you like best.

[b]"The whole thing with House was a bad idea from the getgo."[/b]

This might be paranoia, but is that a hyphen between "get" and "go," or a dash? (A hyphen is one "-", and a dash is two "--".) It should be a hyphen. But it might be a hyphen. I'm not sure. Check, just in case.

On to part two!

[b]"(of cajoling, threatening, bribery, blackmail; if he's especially lucky, sometimes he gets the whole quartet)."[/b]

Consider instead "(cajoling, threatening, bribery, and blackmail; if he's especially lucky..." It just lists better.

And hallelujah, thank the gods! You put the period outside the parantheses! ^.^

[b]"--telling you she couldn't take it anymore --even though she's the one that broke--"[/b]

Oops. Extra space after "anymore" and before the dash.

[b]"Greg House is known for many things, medical brilliance being one of them; another, his spectacular ability to crash and burn. He carries the remnants of his last affair in his limp, his cane, the pill case in his pocket; he's reminded of it six times a day.)"[/b]

First, add a paranthesis at the very beginning of this part. Then add an "and" after "his cane." I've noticed also that you don't put commas after the second-to-last item in your lists, so take out that comma, making it, "...his limp, his cane and the pill case in his pocket; he's..."

[b]"He assumes it's to avoid the inevitable trail of destruction bound by a certain Dean of Medicine, when she finally breaks out of her stupor."[/b]

Take out the comma after "Dean of Medicine," and let me just say that the whole thing between House and Wilson about Cuddy going into cardiac arrest, etc. was hysterical.

[b]"dissecting her motivations, parsing her psychological makeup."[/b]

I love the word "parsing," but technically it only refers to analyzing sentence structure (as far as I know). You might need to change it to something different...I have temporarily misplaced my thesaurus and can't offer suggestions, but judging by the rest of your writing, I somehow doubt you need any ~.^

[b]"When combined with prednisone, would result in a severe depletion of potassium, thus the decreased heart rate."[/b]

This might sound better as, "Which, when combined with prednisone, would result in a severe depletion of potassium, thus the decreased heart rate." But that could just be a character speech pattern, thus doesn't necessarily HAVE to be changed.

[b]"You enjoy that don't you?"[/b]

Comma after "that." When's your birthday? I might need to give you a bucket of commas just like Megan ~.^

[b]"Like the big old cat of the block, House stumps on over with his homeys --homey--okay, Wilson-- in tow."[/b]

And what a lovely way to describe it that is ^.^ Just take out the spaces around the dashes--you don't need them.

[b]"Besides, what could be more gratifying than the sudden trapped-and-tied-on-the-train tracks expression that descends when she spots the two of them converging like kestrels?"[/b]

Just put another hyphen between "train" and "tracks."

[b][i]'you've got some 'splainin to do.'[/i][/b]

Capitalize "You've." And you might want to clarify whose expression is shooting this off--Wilson's, or House's?

[b]"Matt, this is my boss," she pronounces every bit like she's picking something unpleasant out of her teeth, "Dr. House." (ooh, now that sounded like a dirty word)[/b]

This needs to change just a bit. I'd change the comma after "boss" to a dash and add another dash just before "Dr." to make it, "Matt, this is my boss--" pause for description "--Dr. House." Then capitalize "ooh" and add a period at the end, this time INSIDE the parantheses.

[b]"Laugher (yeah, he would), light and inoffensive."[/b]

You missed the t in "laughter." But hey, that's better than some mistakes I've made.

[b]"I. Don't. Care. who Cameron dates. "[/b]

Um...to finish the pattern of the sentence, you should make it, "I. Don't. Care. Who. Cameron. Dates." Or even "I. Don't. Care. Who. Cam. Ron. Dates." to make the syllables even. At the very least, though, capitalize the "who" and you can call it good.

Anyways, I'll finish the rest of it later, but let me just say now that you're an excellent writer. Your voice is wonderfully loud, as are the voices of every character you introduce, and you have a great sense of humor and one-liners. (One-liners aren't easy. That's a gift you've got right there.) Furthermore, your medical vocabulary is unbelievable. I sure hope you know whether you've got those words spelled right or not, because I sure as hell couldn't tell you ~.^

A few problems, but nothing major. I'll get more soon ^.^

And I also promise to finish your story too, Megan ~.^
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]


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lot49
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've discovered that no matter how many times I proofread and rewrite, I always miss something. Thank you so much for your help!
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i just wanted to say that i'm sorry!! i didn't realize there was another grammar thread!! i thought i didn't see any! my bad!! i posted that when i was a little too tired to be on the computer, so i apologize. sorry for the mishap... next time i'll double check!! Very Happy sorry!!

brooke
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Art of romance.
Meetings long,
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calloused hands upon
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- Summer : by ashbrook

check out the rest here :: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37076.html
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Astri
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa, no, that's okay. I just needed to make sure you saw this one...

And I'm glad I could help, lot49 ^.^
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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How can I get a custom title thing?


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All rightie, then. Back to House.

[b]Still, they are, undoubtedly pretty.[/b]

Take out the second commait doesnt really need to be there.

[b]"I don't think it was the digitalis," Cameron announces, upon entering the conference room.[/b]

Again, take out a commathis time the one after announces.

[b]"Those. Either you were ambushed by a florist in the hallway, or someone gave them to you. Might even be the same someone who gave you that. His finger moves from bouquet to her neck connecting the shortest distance between two suggestions.[/b]

Oops. Missing quotation marks after that and a comma after neck.

[b]Wilson's voice rises to a sweet falsetto,"'Dr. House, can I go on a date?'"[/b]

Another little oops. Youre missing a space between the comma after falsetto and the quotation marks of the statement. Easily fixed.

[b]"Did you? My bad. But since you're the one who's here now," Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he nods towards the glass doors, "you're driving."[/b]

Seeing as its the continuation of a sentence, Slinging does not need to be capitalized.

[b]Cameron following quietly behind, only vaguely tunes in to his long-winded and needlessly pedantic complaints and curses[/b]

Slide a comma in after Cameron.

[b]Beneath the brief bit pressure, the stair creaks and bows with a wet moan.[/b]

See, this confuses me. Im not sure what the bit meansdo you mean, a brief bit [i]of [/i]pressure? Or is bit not supposed to be there at all?

[b]"I'm a lot more fun when I'm in a good mood. And while your skills are undoubtedly mad and leet," A moment of fishing in her valise unearths an EZ snap gun, which Cameron proffers. "I'd rather not to stand out here any longer than I have to."[/b]

Cameron calling Houses lockpicking skills leet. That is classic.

Incidentally, lowercase the A in A moment of fishing and change the period after proffers to a comma. Now its grammatically correct AND classic.

[b]Can't say no to cake."[/b]

Amen to that!

[b]When he opens them again, "hand slipped," is all he offers, before moving on.[/b]

Capitalize Hand.

And that's it for part three. Part four!

[b]"Found in teas, chewing tobacco, anisette, and," Pulls out his bag of purloined goods, offering it all around, candy.[/b]

Lowercase the Pulls.

[b]"In the meantime, while Kevorkian here waits for our patient to flatline," The cane arcs in a line drive towards the door. "Get her on Spironolactone for the rhabdomylosis, Mucomyst for her kidneys and monitor her electrolytes."[/b]

Lowercase The cane and Get her on and change the period after the door to a comma.

[b]"Pink," Consonants at both ends of the word stress as Cameron pauses in the doorway, "means gratitude.[/b]

Lowercase Consonants.

[b]"Wow, Greg," a familar dulcet voice pricks at his ears, "with all that charm you're pouring on, it's a wonder she doesn't go flying straight to your arms."[/b]

You misspelled familiarleft out the second i. I almost missed that one ^.^

[b]"Just checking." It seems to her, though, his heart's not really in it.[/b]

I suppose you dont NEED this, but it seems that a that after though would sound just a little bit better: It seems to her, though, that his hearts not really in it. Because, if you take out the though, It seems to her his hearts not really in it, sounds a little clunky. You know?

[b]They're talking. Communicating. They're actually -[/b]

You can take out the space between actually and the hyphen at the end of the sentence. It doesnt need to be there.

[b]"No...I think I'll leave them here." And with a cheery smile she's far more successful at faking, twists the metaphorical thorns in further, "It'll be a nice change, brighten the place up a little."[/b]

Consider adding she just before twists and changing the comma at the end of that sentence to a period: And with a cheery smile shes far more successful at faking, she twists the metaphorical thorns in further.

And...what?! That's it so far?!

This is a really good story, lot49. It's fun, funny, smart, witty, serious, and intriguing--a definite pleasure to edit. Keep it up!

And Megan, I promise to get back to Eyes next... >.<
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, don't. Eyes is on hiatus right now, so don't stress yourself.

The one I would like you to look at, however, is Pound Counting 101--it's the one I so badly want to expand on but am not quite sure how or when, so I also want a critique to make sure it's soundproof enough to withstand being expanded.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tried looking at Pound Counting, but the link didn't work :perplexed: In addition, it doesn't seem to be on your section, so I'm not sure where it is to even look at it...

So, in absence of other plans, I'll just finish up Eyes instead ~.^

[b]For crying out loud Hailey, she's been unconscious for two days.[/b]

Very small nitpicky detail, but you might want to put a comma just before Hailey. Usually that's the way something like this is spoken: "For crying out loud, Hailey..." But, you know, technically it's already grammatically correct, so that's not a necessity.

[b]"The guest house your mother and I were in was the closet, so I ran out to you. Dad says, sounding shaken. [/b]

Fish in that bucket of commas I gave you and replace the period at the end of "out to you" with it ~.^

[b]I can see. I repeat. [/b]

Ohp, throw in another one, right after "see."

[b]Two. I say calmly.[/b]

Thank goodness for that bucket, huh?

[b]Mom looks at me and a huge grin comes up on her face before she says almost muttering, Oh, that's so good honey.[/b]

Thank goodness you forget commas, or I'd have nothing to do with your stories ^.^ Stick one after "says" and before "almost," and another after "good." Although really, that's just stylistic, so you can ignore that if you want.

May I also point out here that your sarcasm is hysterical?

[b]Well help out, will ya? She's a dead weight.[/b]

And another comma, after "Well." If it pleases you, at least, because again this is technically already correct.

[b]Nicole! My mom snaps, surprised by the language, What your mouth, missy.[/b]

Can it be?! An actual typo!

Lowercase the "m" for "My" and replace the comma after "language" with a period (who'd've thought I'd be telling you to get RID of a comma, huh?) And instead of, "What your mouth," I think you want, "Watch your mouth."

[b]Hailey, sweetie, she has a point. He says gently.[/b]

Comma after "point" and lowercase the "h" of "He."

[b]Mom nodsReluctantly. [/b]

Lowercase "Reluctantly."

[b]I smile. Done. No more stress for me.[/b]

Why do I not believe that? ^.^

There's no problem with that sentence, I just had to point out that I sincerely doubt it... ^.^

[b]Mom and Dad have wondered off to go see the horses while my older siblings give me a tour.[/b]

I hate this. I do it all the time, which is why I caught it here. It's not "wondered," it's "wandered." I don't know why that happens--"o" and "a" aren't exactly close on the keyboard--but for some reason, I mix those two up ALL THE BLOODY TIME. And it looks like you did as well right here...

[b]It's like living in a freaking salad. I add. [/b]

^O^

Comma instead of the period after "salad."

...

That is just way too funny a comparison...^-^

[b]...with Jake hands in pockets and Nicole kicking the grass as she walks. [/b]

Okay, I'm not sure about this, but I think that you mean "Jake's hands in his pockets" here. I think. But I'm not sure, because it is grammatically correct and it looks just unusual enough to have actually been meant. So...

[b]It frightens me, because its almost a banana blond.[/b]

The fine blur between "its" and "it's." You need "it's" here, as a banana blond it is...

[b]...he has the same look, that when provoked, could kill.[/b]

Move the comma after "look" one word back, to behind "that," and it's perfect.

[b]Oh, there's Wyatt. She says, acting strangely, voice higher than usual.[/b]

The old complaint: comma instead of period after "Wyatt," lowercase the "She." I'm starting to sound like a broken record >.< Sorry...

[b]What this means, Jake says thoughtfully, Is that you're trying to tell yourself something.[/b]

Lowercase the "i" in "Is." This time, not even any comma to point out ^.^

[b]"They do, believe it or not, Jake grins wryly, Say something about who we are and what's going on around us."[/b]

Lowercase the "s" in "Say."

[b]He looks away for a moment, thinking, And maybe that's why you got your sight back, he brings his gaze back to me, To pay attention.[/b]

I'm not really sure how you wanted this to read, but I personally would replace the comma after "thinking," the one after "back," and the one after "me" with periods and capitalized the second "he." Thereby making it:

He looks away for a moment, thinking. "And maybe that's why you got your sight back." He brings his gaze back to me. "To pay attention."

But that's just me.

I'm quite depressed that this is the end of Eyes TT.TT I really like Eyes. If you ever write some more of it, you'll have to let me know ~.^
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How can I get a custom title thing?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, at long last I come to Pound Counting!

[b]Probably not, but nevertheless, there is this, allure, I guess to the business.[/b]

Purely stylistic, but I would personally replace the comma before "allure" with an ellipsis. Just to symbolize her search for the right word.

[b]Because that's what it's supposed to be like?[/b]

I might be mistaken, but I [i]think[/i] you meant "right" at the end, not "like"--"Because that's what it's supposed to be, right?" But again, maybe the sentence was supposed to go that way. I'm not sure...

[b]I was a bitch with bite, and I loved it.[/b]

And who doesn't? ^.^

Hold on some more. I have to do something with my brother...
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[color=blue]Disgaea's [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-31977.html]Overlords Dance[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25745.html]Worlds Beyond Infinity[/url] while [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-27428.html]Mifuyus Magical Multiplying Mole[/url] reads the epic [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-25652.html]Chronicles of Yord[/url], and you learn that your [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37925.html]Craving[/url] for [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37922.html]Finding a Heart of Snow[/url] is [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37924.html]Taboo[/url] in [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-37910.html]VG[/url] unless you dare undertake [url=http://www.fanart-central.net/story-32962.html]The Combine of Sin[/url]...[/color]


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

O.o Hot diggity damn, I DO need that bucket of commas, don't I?

Wow. I'll look into that ASAP...

(as well as Pound Counting 101)

Thanks, Ian. Smile
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How can I get a custom title thing?


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Back to Pound Counting. Sorry it took me so long... >.<

[b]Challenging filth of society, cleaning up the streets.[/b]

This is really just personal style, but I would add a "the" after "challenging" and add something like, "of life," at the end. Just to make it flow a little better, make both sides sound a little more equal.

"Challenging the filth of society, cleaning up the streets of life."

You might even want to make that period an ellipsis, to make it flow into the next part: "I felt like I was doing good." But that's really up to you ~.^

[b]This is the part where you, as the audience, gasp and in disbelief, gasp: "WAH!?!?"[/b]

Two uses of "gasp" so close...not advisable. Try just taking out the "and" and the second "gasp" to shorten it to;

"...gasp in disbelief, "WAH!?!?"

[b]But here's the tidbit: All this chaos, all me fueling addictions and the lose of human life, it's going to find me someone.[/b]

Not "lose," but "loss." I always hate those two, they mix themselves up on [i]purpose[/i], I swear.

[b]Eventually the man who killed my mother is going to come along, hirer me up to do deals for him.[/b]

I think this was just a mistype, but it should be "hire," not "hirer."

[b]And when that happens--[/b]

This one is so nitpicky I almost didn't put it here. But I thought I might as well, since you can just ignore it if you want.

Personally, I would not use a dash here, but an ellipsis. A dash is, in my opinion, for use when an interruption occurs. If a character purposely pauses in their dialogue, I use an ellipsis. If they're stuttering or unable to correctly express their thought, I use dashes. But when they're purposely pausing for dramatic effect, I use an ellipsis.

Again, this is SUPER nitpicky, and it's just the way I do it. Ignore it at your discretion.

PART TWO!

[b]Grumbling, he reaches into his pocket with a grime covered hand and, without any type of discretion, comes out with 200 pound, sliding it through his fingers and onto the table.[/b]

Put a hyphen between "grime" and "covered," and I think you wanted "200 pound" to be plural: "200 pound[b]s[/b]."

[b]From behind the bar Sean, young, just as cynical as me and rather cute, raises an eyebrow and almost stops from cleaning out a mug.[/b]

What is it with Seans...? Anyways, that's neither here nor there. You might want a comma after "me," since it's the second-to-last item in a list (but that can go either way. You can either put commas after the second-to-last item or not. It doesn't matter which you do, as long as you're consistent, so I think I'm going to stop mentioning that particular correction.) Also, "almost stops from cleaning" doesn't sound quite right...maybe,

"...raises an eyebrow and almost puts down the mug he's cleaning."

Or maybe some other way. Just probably not, "stops from cleaning."

[b]I shoot him a nasty "speak and your masculinity is gone" glare and then he looks away. [/b]

There are two ways to go here. Either keep the "glare and then" by adding a comma after "glare," or take out the "then." So, essentially, make it either,

"I shoot him a nasty "speak and your masculinity is gone" glare, and then he looks away."

Or,

"I shoot him a nasty "speak and your masculinity is gone" glare and he looks away."

"Then" usually implies a pause. Without a comma, there is no pause. Thus, you can either pause or not. I would personally just not pause at all, but whichever sounds better to you ^.^

[b]The "alley", synonymous with my deals, begins to come up ahead. [/b]

My English teacher always banged her head against the wall for this. When dealing with a quick quote, commas go inside quotations, periods outside. I'm still not sure when it's supposed to switch over and put periods inside, but I know commas ALWAYS go inside.

They always go inside parantheses as well, incidentally.

[b]Charlie begins to shake faintly, and I move away from him slightly, alarmed by--did I mention he's like a dog--behavior.[/b]

Somewhere in here, you need the word "his." Without the dashes, the sentence would read, "Charlier begins to shake faintly, and I move away from him slightly, alarmed by behavior." There should be a "his" between "by" and "behavior." Now, whether you insert it before or after the dashes? Totally up to you. I don't think it makes much difference...

[b]If he had a tail, he'd be fking wagging it, wouldn't he?[/b]

Either finish the word (which I think you did earlier, right?) or put asterisks in. Seeing the word "fking" is a little confusing at first. "F**king" is, sadly enough, easier to process.

[b]But...Business is business. [/b]

Lowercase "Business."

[b]I stare down at him in disgust, nose wrinkled, "I'm not here for the spectatorship."[/b]

For once, I'm telling you to get rid of a comma! Use a period instead of a comma right before the quotation marks.

[b]Snarling, I take a menacing step forward, "Move it."[/b]

Ditto here.

And that is the conclusion to Pound Counting. As soon as there's more, same with Eyes, let me know, okay? ~.^
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NicholasDWolfwood
Elder In Training


Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 3565
Location: The World that Never Was

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://www.fanart-central.net/story-38527.html
My short fanfic. Dont go easy, I plan to EDIT [i]*Shiver*[/i] .
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq6q8fU9PiM

There's no I in Team. There's a Me though if you jumble it up.- Dr. House

92% of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Post this in your signature if you would be one of the 8% watching and laughing.
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