my FIRST poem!!

XxT0R0saurusRAYxX · Still very bored Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 267

ok, me made this poem:

[u]Vampire's Help[/u]

My friendship for you, has been there and gone
the love has all been past and done
Black petals shall fall from a dying rose,
one by one...

its like you've given me wings but its illegal to fly
unless you pay the price to die
and without the wings, i would fall from the sky
But it's not like you'll try to catch me at all?

I'd like to see you come back-
crawling, on the floor
the thing you most dread
and still you play emotions in my head
But its all gone now, since my last taste of revenge
like the day we first met, i regret and avenge
our final match, you paid the price-

my heart is ice_

But does it even matter, when im already dead?
He helped me,
your dead
He saved me-
youre safe now, he said
and now your dead
[i]Im With Him Instead...[/i]

[u]story time![/u]
basically its about a girl going out with this dude but he treats her like sh!t, even though she cares for him and never stands up for herself. he doesnt care about her, one day they had a fight whilst in the park at night and he dumped/left her alone crying. Then this other dude appears saying its alright, seeing she looks cute and all, he talks her into revenge and tells er that he's a vampire, she didnt react because it seems like she's already dead, after agreeing,he promises her that she'll live a better life and so he turned her into a vampire. She went back to her ex house and killed him (rip out his jugular and blood) for what he done to her...

she forever, been happier than ever...

CrimsinD · Newb Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 21

Very interesting ending kinda liked it!

Not a very bad first poem, just need to work on your body and phrasing. Always room for improvements. And usually try to choose a poem that would be eye catching or have a good impact. Brainstorm poem titles you would like then choose the best one you think suit it.

Still like the ending =3

XxT0R0saurusRAYxX · Still very bored Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 267

[quote="CrimsinD"]Very interesting ending kinda liked it!

Not a very bad first poem, just need to work on your body and phrasing. Always room for improvements. And usually try to choose a poem that would be eye catching or have a good impact. Brainstorm poem titles you would like then choose the best one you think suit it.

Still like the ending =3[/quote]

YAY! first comment at last lmao
yes lol i do need to improve
i was bored in english (falls asleep) hmmm...i dont know what title to give it ^^
thanx anyways!

CrimsinD · Newb Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 21

I just noticed your story to go with it! Uh very.....hmm whats the word....CREATIVE! Yeap got it...

Anyways something like:

Out With the Living and In with the Undead? (Might be too long)
Dracula's bride (Might not match the story)
Darker Side of love (I like this one)

Might be a suitable title well in my view anyways. Keep it up!

Still not to sure what a "Juguar" is....O.o typo?

XxT0R0saurusRAYxX · Still very bored Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 267

[quote="CrimsinD"]I just noticed your story to go with it! Uh very.....hmm whats the word....CREATIVE! Yeap got it...

Anyways something like:

Out With the Living and In with the Undead? (Might be too long)
Dracula's bride (Might not match the story)
Darker Side of love (I like this one)

Might be a suitable title well in my view anyways. Keep it up!

Still not to sure what a "Juguar" is....O.o typo?[/quote]

haha yeh well, thats kool, i like the Darker side of love, too...can i use it?
oh ya it is a typo XD i'll fix it!

XxT0R0saurusRAYxX · Still very bored Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 267

...just to let you know- Jugular vein: The jugular veins are in the neck and drain blood from the head, brain, face and neck and convey it toward the heart.To go for the jugular is to attack a vital part that is particularly vulnerable.
haha yeh i did some research (tv and horror movies)

AlysInWonderland · Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject:

I agree with CrimsinD. I think your poem is really interesting, and different. Hehe I guess that's what caught my attention. Really good for your first poem!

Hmm, I don't think the underscore in the part where it says "My heart is ice_" is necessary, but that's just my opinion. LOL. Again really good job.

Morpher · Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject:

This poem was very intresting. I liked it. Pretty good for your first poem. Wink

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