Logo
FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups  ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in
Quick Question

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    www.fanart-central.net Forum Index -> Life Assistance
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
ShadowFalcon
Contest Helper


Joined: 26 Mar 2009
Posts: 103
Location: Louisville

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:30 pm    Post subject: Quick Question Reply with quote

Alright, so since I consider the people here at FAC part of my family, I figured it would be fine coming here for some reactions/ideas about this situation I've been stuck in for a rather long time. I wouldn't normally want to express it, but it's been getting to me more than usual lately and I felt that if I let it eat away at me like it has been that I'd probably get irritated and depressed.

So, to my friends here on FAC, do you think six years is too long to be waiting for someone? (Let me finish before you guys say anything) I've been in love with the same girl (despite everything she's done, which can get pretty bad, mind you) for six years. And no, it's not some crush like I thought it was when it first developed.

I would have figured that I would have moved on by now. But I haven't. She tells me a lot of things and I wonder if she really means what she says or not.
_________________

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
luckylace222
Site Helper


Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOVE ADVICE?! GHAHHH I stink at this.

Quote:
She tells me a lot of things and I wonder if she really means what she says or not.

You have been waiting for 6 years for her, and she is already telling you things you want to hear right? Well, on the outside, they are things you want to hear. Why do you phrase it as you are "waiting for her?" Is she far away, has someone else, or are you waiting for her to directly express her feelings? Ask yourself what you are truly expecting from her and how she does/does not fulfill your wants. I will never tell you how to feel, but I will warn you to figure out what you want from a good relationship and compare it to what you have now.

Quote:
So, to my friends here on FAC, do you think six years is too long to be waiting for someone?

Just echo that to yourself. Six years. Six years. Six years. If you were in love and still are in love with her, she is obviously worth something to you. She might be really nice, encouraging, and pretty. She might be really intellectual or cunning/original. She could be the wild thing you have always wanted in your life, but are the goods in her able to overshadow her bad? Since you speak of her flaws, it seems they are surfacing more than her good.

I think 6 years is too long to wait for someone to share your same feelings, but now that she has "hinted" something to you, it is not too late to fully interpret what her words mean to your heart. You have all the time in the world to make the decision to confront her true feelings face to face. If she is your one and truly, she will tell you a decent truth.

...But I stink at love advice for real, so do not take too much of that into context.
_________________
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ShadowFalcon
Contest Helper


Joined: 26 Mar 2009
Posts: 103
Location: Louisville

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I kinda have to sort of rephrase. XD She and I did date for three out of the six years and they were (and still are) some of the best three years of my life. I think on them fondly and reminisce, but not so much that it's unhealthy. It's more of a 'those were good times, now I have to focus on the now' kinda thing.

Really, after we separated we didn't talk for ages. Nearly three years of absolute, dead, silence. I would be lying if I said I didn't try dating other girls. I did try, I really did, but after the second relationship I came to the realization that I couldn't really have a good one because I was looking for that one girl in all the others. I figured I should just stop trying to date because it was unfair that I couldn't give the other girls a fair chance.

I would be lying again if I said she hadn't changed. Yes, she's a completely different girl than the one I fell in love with in 7th grade but I still love her. As she changed, I guess you could say I fell in love with her more. As I got to know her, I learned a lot about her and how much we had in common.

Our main difference is just what we view on relationships. She just recently got out of a really really bad one (with my help). She likes to say it didn't effect her, but I can see that it did. It damaged her in ways I think she's refusing to see. Let me just say she lost a lot more in that relationship than she should have.

And (being the foolish me) I made a promise to her that I'd always be there for her. I'd defend her, protect her. But when she needed me the most I wasn't there. Pretty much, in that three year absence, all of my worst nightmares came true.

Sorry. This is really long. XD
_________________

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
luckylace222
Site Helper


Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 10:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhhhh, the drama! The drama. ;A;

Quote:
I would be lying again if I said she hadn't changed. Yes, she's a completely different girl than the one I fell in love with in 7th grade but I still love her. As she changed, I guess you could say I fell in love with her more. As I got to know her, I learned a lot about her and how much we had in common.

If she changed more in the bad way, I feel falling in love with her more will be a tricky business. If she has changed in the more mature, philosophical, but still vulnerable way, that...is also tricky.

(This relationship so far seems on the stand still). Rushing in would be suicidal, so isn't being there for her as much as you can the best way to help her? Is that not what you have been doing all this time? You are doing nothing wrong.

Quote:
Our main difference is just what we view on relationships. She just recently got out of a really really bad one (with my help). She likes to say it didn't effect her, but I can see that it did. It damaged her in ways I think she's refusing to see. Let me just say she lost a lot more in that relationship than she should have.

Since she is damaged now, you are are waiting for her to understand the one true relationship she has ever had and can console in is yours. Is that what you are "waiting" for?

Quote:
And (being the foolish me) I made a promise to her that I'd always be there for her. I'd defend her, protect her. But when she needed me the most I wasn't there. Pretty much, in that three year absence, all of my worst nightmares came true.

You will never ever be there for her 100% of the time. Do not feel guilty if you are not there to snatch her out of the dragon's clutches. I hope she does not think that is your job either. She must know that most of her maturation in life must be done alone. She must make the decisions on her own. You can be there for her to show her the path, but it is her choice whether she chooses the right one.

That is why I do not like waiting for things. If the people do not work for me or are waiting for something themselves, I move on. Always.

No, it was not long at all. It gave me an interesting idea of how you perceive your role with her.
_________________
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ShadowFalcon
Contest Helper


Joined: 26 Mar 2009
Posts: 103
Location: Louisville

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, she's changed a lot. More of the mature and philosophical way. And I would say she's definitely more vulnerable. She likes to hide her vulnerability by acting tough and tom-boyish. I find it funny that she can really only be her true, tsundere-self around me. I feel sorry for her that because her previous relationship was so bad she has to save face by acting like nothing happened, when something really did happen. It's also upsetting how she considers me the only person she can really be honest with. Other people don't listen to her or bend her words into something completely different.

And I was aware that wouldn't be able to protect her all the time. It's was just when I was protecting her, it was just stupid petty foolish things I knew she could very well handle herself. The reason I was really frustrated about not being there was because when she really needed someone there, the person that should have been there for her wasn't. And like I said, because I couldn't help her with dealing with it, she didn't know how to and dug herself into a gigantic hole that I was only barely able to help her get out of.

Yes. I'm waiting for her to realize that she's had this one guy by her side all this time. I've defended her behind her back all those years and never thought once to tell her because I felt she really didn't have to know. I want her to realize that I've been propping her up in the background in ways she probably doesn't even realize.

The other thing I'm waiting for is for her to acknowledge that the way she's treating relationships right now is not going to get her anywhere. She likes to talk about how she doesn't want to get divorced like the rest of her family, but if she continues to carry on like she has been her history of unsteady and unstable relationships will inevitably continue.

She can't keep changing for the person she's dating. She needs to find someone who will accept her for who she truly is. I'm not saying it has to be me, it could be someone else. But she needs to find someone who'll love her for herself, not for what she CAN do, not for what she's WILLING to do, but for what she is.
_________________

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
luckylace222
Site Helper


Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Yes. I'm waiting for her to realize that she's had this one guy by her side all this time. I've defended her behind her back all those years and never thought once to tell her because I felt she really didn't have to know. I want her to realize that I've been propping her up in the background in ways she probably doesn't even realize.

Wink You sound like you have got a good position for yourself. You are not jumping the boat at all. What you are doing for her right now is all she needs. I am sure she knows by now that you are a 1 in a million. She may be waiting for you to tell her that she is yours. That is ironic that that were true, because if you guys both thinks the other does not need to know, you will never get anywhere with direct words. xD

Quote:
The other thing I'm waiting for is for her to acknowledge that the way she's treating relationships right now is not going to get her anywhere. She likes to talk about how she doesn't want to get divorced like the rest of her family, but if she continues to carry on like she has been her history of unsteady and unstable relationships will inevitably continue. She can't keep changing for the person she's dating. She needs to find someone who will accept her for who she truly is. I'm not saying it has to be me, it could be someone else. But she needs to find someone who'll love her for herself, not for what she CAN do, not for what she's WILLING to do, but for what she is.

Have you ever told her this face to face with no sugarcoated words?
_________________
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ShadowFalcon
Contest Helper


Joined: 26 Mar 2009
Posts: 103
Location: Louisville

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

luckylace222 wrote:
Quote:
The other thing I'm waiting for is for her to acknowledge that the way she's treating relationships right now is not going to get her anywhere. She likes to talk about how she doesn't want to get divorced like the rest of her family, but if she continues to carry on like she has been her history of unsteady and unstable relationships will inevitably continue. She can't keep changing for the person she's dating. She needs to find someone who will accept her for who she truly is. I'm not saying it has to be me, it could be someone else. But she needs to find someone who'll love her for herself, not for what she CAN do, not for what she's WILLING to do, but for what she is.

Have you ever told her this face to face with no sugarcoated words?

I haven't told her that directly to her face. Every time I try to, she gets offended and talks about how she know what she's doing. Often times I feel like she's just being a bit too ridiculous about it all. She really needs a break from dating. Seriously, she needs to stop for a good couple of months to get herself back on her feet, but she feels that to do so she needs to have a boy to be with. Which is probably more detrimental than it is helpful.
_________________

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
luckylace222
Site Helper


Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1545
Location: Baby Fishy

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whaaaaaaaaat? You never need a relationship to get yourself back on your feet. It is exactly what is sounds like. "Get yourself back on your feet." She can do this alone with courage, determination, and advice you give her on her own. She gets offended/angry when you bring up this fact? Then she probably knows it herself. Subconsciously, people get angry when they feel they are put in the negative spotlight, and they deny deny deny and get more angry. Those who accept the fact that they have problems to deal with and are running away react sometimes with more sadness and thought. I feel if she is getting angry at you, she is really getting angry at herself more. Maybe that is why she is looking so hard for another boy. She wants someone on the outside who she barely knows to help her temporarily feel less judged. I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HER TASTES THOUGH, so that is just a guess.

I feel if you have already told her, been there for her, consoled her, brought her out of bad relationships, and she is still being stubborn about whether she is doing the right/wrong thing, maybe you should stop sweating about her. Maybe you do not have to wait anymore. SHE is the one that has to wait for herself to admit that she needs to change, because no one will change her for her.

You can stay with her as always, but I will warn you not to get too deep. You may care for her, but I know you do not care for the side of her that is constantly lying to herself and going to other men either.
_________________
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ShadowFalcon
Contest Helper


Joined: 26 Mar 2009
Posts: 103
Location: Louisville

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You hit the nail right on the head. Yes, she's going to other guys because she wants to find someone that was outside of us. When she started dating her current boyfriend and I told her not to, she said: "This is my last chance to have a 'normal' high school relationship." . . . .'

There are no 'normal' relationships. And honestly, if she wanted anything that could even resemble 'normal,' this guy was not the answer. Not only is he a carbon copy of me in terms of hobbies, but he likes to lie to people to make them feel better. Which is not the kind of person she needs right now.

This right here was the exact reason I temporarily deactivated my facebook. I hated seeing all of the guy's status updates and how much he was drooling over her. It was disgusting, irritating, and annoying. Especially since he had been one of my best friend's in high school and the only reason they even knew each other was because of me.

I anticipate this relationship to fall apart just like the other before them. I also anticipate that when it does she'll probably crawl back to me about it, expecting that I'll take her back.

Despite how much I love her, care for her, and want her to be by my side, I can't take her back until she's willing to commit to something meaningful. I don't want to get into a relationship with her knowing that it won't last because of her inability to commit to anything.

When she finally wants to try again - and I mean try again for sure - then I might consider taking her back. But for now, she's just my lost best friend (and sort of a little sister I have a complex for).
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
setzaroth
Cold Warrior


Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 1956

PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jhihmoac
Member


Joined: 02 Feb 2010
Posts: 102
Location: The Vampires Castle

PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm pretty poor at this "love and romance" stuff...But if you (and the other individual) STILL feel strongly about one another after all the trials and trivulations, then yes...I guess 6 years wait can be worth it...

Besides, relationships done in haste or desperation usually end in disaster...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    www.fanart-central.net Forum Index -> Life Assistance All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum