35 Rules!

[fallenangel]

Stolen off Sludge.

*******************

This was in "The Inside Connection" music magazine. A guy by the name of Andy Karp, who does A&R for Atlantic (he signed Kid Rock), contributed the story.

How many do YOU agree with?

1. Never start a band with a married or committed couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.
(Fallen: especially if who you've opened for is also lacking a single album)

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."
(Fallen: Oh, but they do make them sound so much more like a cheap cover for a lack of musical talent)

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up. (Fallen: same goes if your drummer keeps blowing up...you get the reference n' ya get a cookie)

7. When you talk on stage, you're never as funny as you think.
(Fallen: Very true.)

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music.
(Fallen: Poseur thread anyone?)

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
(Fallen: Ah, but DLR still works the same banter for the past 25 years. "Look at all the people here tonight". It's a classic)

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
(Fallen: In fact, just don't mention your video because it probably sucks and will make people lose all respect for you)

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and a "guaranteed three record deal."
(Fallen: Clarification-- firmly seal your lips to their ass)

12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and you asked to be let go.
(Fallen: Clarification--Rebel against the evil corporation!)

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.
(Fallen: It's not funny. Ever. Just don't.)

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

16. Bands who enter Battle of the Bands contests are ALREADY losers.
(Fallen: I need to print this out to all the garage "bands" around here.)

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," "white
rapper," "blues jam," "swing band," "open mike," etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Break it to your parents: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
(Fallen: and as the original comments said "and if they're the only ones there, it's time to call it a day.")

20. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
(Fallen: And the problem with either is...?)

22. Don't hire a publicist.
(Fallen: Unless you're a moron who can't form a sentence or go to Kinkos)

23. Playing in Akron, Ohio doesn't mean that you're on tour.
(Fallen: Aha! I love all the small town bands that drive twenty minutes to another town and say they're on tour. So cute.)

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band PERIOD.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. It's not necessary to keep changing them between songs.

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up.

27. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where, when, or how it will turn up.

31. Cut your hair, but don't shave your head.
(Fallen: Don't follow this rule.)

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
(Fallen: Or just don't do either. Leave the metal in the music, not in your face)

33. Don't wear shorts onstage (shows no effort). Or a suit (dumb). Or a hat (gay).
(Fallen: Unless you're Angus Young)

34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues
genius," "$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."

35. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands, and
playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
(Fallen: And now...I weep)
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[jhonenfreak]

[quote="fallenangel (fallen)"] 17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," "white
rapper," "blues jam," "swing band," "open mike," etc.

31. Cut your hair, but don't shave your head.
(Fallen: Don't follow this rule.)

33. Don't wear shorts onstage (shows no effort). Or a suit (dumb). Or a hat (gay).
(Fallen: Unless you're Angus Young) [/quote]
Rock Opera-- I like Queen.

Shaved heads-- I like Blue Man Group

Suit-- Yes, Angus.
_________________
[url=http://starrust.com][img]http://starrust.com/images/linksout/starrust2.gif[/img][/url]

[fallenangel]

Yeah, but do you really want to hear anyone else attempting a rock opera or wearing Angus's little outfit? Oh wait, I should also add...the reason you shouldn't wear shorts? Four words....Axl Rose bike shorts. Period.
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[BAMFManiac]

ah images of tight guy shorts... scary stuff...

lol nice rules, tho fallen! i like your little comments too. but do people really name songs after their own bands? that's kinda stupid... the only ones i can think of like that are "van halen" and "courtney" by nerf herder- but those actually are songs about van halen and courtney love.

and you know, it's ok if the lead singer of a ska band wears a suit. (trust me, they can make it work).

[i]with a 9 mm and a three piece suit, they look at one another and say "hey mother-fucker, who's the fool?"[/i]
_________________
i fought the war, but the war won

[fallenangel]

Yeah, there are some. And it's always as stupid as it sounds.
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[ChrisFox]

[quote="fallenangel (fallen)"] 15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer immediately.
(Chris: Many drummers have written great songs)

16. Bands who enter Battle of the Bands contests are ALREADY losers.
(Chris: There are some talented bands that enter those contests)

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," "white
rapper," "blues jam," "swing band," "open mike," etc.
(Chris: "Bitch Slap")

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.
(Chris: Certain sacrafices must be made when band has no money)

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
(Chris: Age doesn't mean the solo isn't difficult, or the player isn't talented. Not a lot of 16 year olds can play Blues solos well.)

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
(Chris: Lip!)

34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues
genius," "$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."
(Chris: Stop associating Blues with Rock, it's not the same thing. Blues is a damned good genre) [/quote]
Just read the quoted thing, you get the idea.
_________________
"I've got a sticky Darodo!"
"You might want to see a doctor about that."
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/kaymando/gandyhands.jpg[/img]

[BAMFManiac]

ooo nice, chris. yea i was gonna mention that about the battle of the bands thing too. i know some really crappy bands will go to those, but there are a lot of really good local bands who do them just for the chance to play at bigger concerts like skate and surf or warped tour. and i was confused about all the references to blues, too, since i see that as a very different genre from rock, and therefore kind of irrelevent. lol but i didn't want to sound stupid so i didn't say anything
_________________
i fought the war, but the war won

[ragingflea002]

Blues is good, and everyone who thinks "Rock rules, Blues sucks" has a few major issues since Rock was formed using the Blues originally(I learned this stuff in band. Our teacher was good for a few things; movies, movies, movies.......)
_________________
Not all who wander are lost.
"The separation between spirit and logic is reasonable because spirit is defined by faith and logic forces others to think about what they have faith in."

[ChrisFox]

And Blues is a branch off of Jazz, which came from a fusion of African, European, and American music. And can actually be traced all the way back to traditional Irish folk music if you follow the right strand. B)

Country itself is a perversion of American Bluegrass, which is a perversion of American folk, which almost directly comes from traditional Irish music. Gotta love the Irish for some things eh?
_________________
"I've got a sticky Darodo!"
"You might want to see a doctor about that."
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/kaymando/gandyhands.jpg[/img]

[fallenangel]

None of you ever join metal sludge. Ever.

It's called a joke. J.O.K.E. Ya read it, go "haha, yeah...", then move the fuck on.

And ya know why it's a joke? 'Cause it's true! Whether you disagree or not, from the point of view of a label, it's completely true. No one cares who you've opened for, don't try to play off non-paying gigs as a "showcase", and a cover slapped together in photoshop by your bassist is almost always obvious. It's true.

And no matter how talented they are, "battle of the bands" is very lame if you're trying to sell your band. Because even if you won, all it means is you were better than ten other garage bands. Sell out the Roxy, then that's an accomplishment.

Thanks for turnin' it into a history lesson, though. Didn't get enough of that crap from the history class videos.

Seriously, look who wrote it. It's a reality check to the wannabe rock stars out there lookin' for a deal and just looking stupid. Take it for what it is. Y'all sound just like the people who sit around and trash "Unskinny Bop" for its lack of deep emotional content.
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[BAMFManiac]

lol whoa sorry didn't mean to offend you, fallen! i know it's a joke- and it is very true. sorry i have a tendency to overanalyze things...

o and about the battle of the bands, thing- um i don't know about other battles of the bands, but the ones i know of have the winner go on to play a bigger concert. for example, madison (eww really reallly bad band) won a battle of the bands last year and went on to play at warped tour. i think they're doing that this year too. but yea most bands there are crappy, so crappy bands win... because they're better than crap? it doesn't really prove anything. so yea regular shows are better.

and yes, chris, love the irish. the pogues, flogging molly, dropkick murphys, lol and of course... the irish tenors! (gah my mom listens to them alot)
_________________
i fought the war, but the war won

[ragingflea002]

I won't join, thanks for the advice. As for joking, I don't give a f**k about it. I pointed out a fact. End of story. Didn't find some rules funny, I react to them. Nothing to get defensive about. If it's a joke, it's not a big deal. This comes from a kid who jumped out of the bus emergency exit to try and cheer someone up. Not a big deal.
_________________
Not all who wander are lost.
"The separation between spirit and logic is reasonable because spirit is defined by faith and logic forces others to think about what they have faith in."

[fallenangel]

If you didn't find it funny, I don't see the point in commenting on it like it's some kind of factual rule. A simple "that's stupid" would have done.

Just gettin' a little tired over here of people's tendency to be so worked up and serious about everything.

EDIT: Oh, and the battle of the bands things is about the losers who specifically state "We played in ____ battle of the bands!". No one cares. Now if the winner goes on to play a real gig or tour, THAT's what they should promote, not the fact they beat "The super uber badass punks" band.
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[ragingflea002]

Nah, gives me a reason to rant about something that won't get me thrown out of social studies for the 23rd consecutive time.
_________________
Not all who wander are lost.
"The separation between spirit and logic is reasonable because spirit is defined by faith and logic forces others to think about what they have faith in."

[ChrisFox]

Sorry Fallen. I've just not been in the best of moods lately. I get nitpicky when I'm in a bad mood.
_________________
"I've got a sticky Darodo!"
"You might want to see a doctor about that."
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/kaymando/gandyhands.jpg[/img]

[fallenangel]

Neither have I, and I come online to just laugh and be stupid and forget about deadlines and exams and debates... and everyone acts like they've got a stick up their ass and can't take a joke. Maybe it's just the time of year and everyone's waitin' for summer, 'cause it's like this on several other boards too, but it's annoying the crap out of me.

Try to post something funny to lighten people the fuck up and they just be bigger tightasses.
_________________
"I care about people as much as I care about lawn furniture" - Dexter/Michael C. Hall

[ragingflea002]

Yep. God bless America.
_________________
Not all who wander are lost.
"The separation between spirit and logic is reasonable because spirit is defined by faith and logic forces others to think about what they have faith in."